


Here and Now

by heartsdesire456



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lies, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-02-22 09:37:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2503127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“This is Pepper Potts at Stark Industries getting the call that there is an Avenger down,” he explained and Phil tensed.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“Stark?” he asked, and Koenig shook his head. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>“No, the call was from Stark. Lip reading software, since we don’t have audio of her office, just video, says that Hawkeye is down, en route to Stark’s medical ward at a nearby university hospital, and there is a potential for DOA.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Phil stood up abruptly. “I need the Bus ready to go in ten minutes, wheels up in fifteen. </i>
</p>
<p>After learning that Clint was attacked and nearly killed by the Winter Soldier when following a lead to his whereabouts, Phil goes straight to the Avengers to find out what happened, if Clint will survive, and make the person responsible pay... even though, as far as they all knew, Phil was still dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here and Now

**Author's Note:**

> I FINISHED THIS FIC! *cries in relief*
> 
> I started this fic AGES ago and kept abandoning it and picking it up and abandoning it again. It was really bad. It wasn't until a few weeks ago when I got an inspiration for a scene that didn't even fit in to what I had so far that I got the inspiration to finally FINISH it. 
> 
> AND FINALLY! SOMETHING CLEARED OUT OF MY WIP FOLDER!

“Emergency meeting in command central, I repeat, emergency meeting in command central.”

Phil frowned, looking up at the intercom speaker in his office. He stood and buttoned his jacket smoothly, taking his tablet with him – and his lanyard, to appease Koenig – and made his way to command central. When he got there, he glared at Koenig. “I thought I gave the emergency meeting calls, being Director of SHIELD and all,” he said and Koenig shook his head.

“We have certain protocols in place for you, Sir.” He looked around, counting people with a finger in the air. “Alright, one, two, three… yep, we’re all here.” He turned to the screen and pulled something up. “As I was explaining, we have protocols in place to call emergency meetings before consulting Director Coulson, and one of those is giant emergency event, or our current case, which is this.” He clicked a final button and a security camera footage feed came up. “This is Pepper Potts at Stark Industries getting the call that there is an Avenger down,” he explained and Phil tensed.

“Stark?” he asked, and Koenig shook his head. 

“No, the call was from Stark. Lip reading software, since we don’t have audio of her office, just video, says that Hawkeye is down, en route to Stark’s medical ward at a nearby university hospital, and there is a potential for DOA-“

“Christ, Barton,” May muttered, looking at the feed. “Do we have footage from the hospital?” she asked, and Koenig shook his head.

“We tried, but Stark had everything blacked out. Now when SHIELD went offline, Specialist Barton got in the wind. He’d been undercover and his cover was blown so he hid for the longest. He’s recently been spotted with the other Avengers at Stark Tower, especially since Captain Rogers returned to the city, but we have no idea what happened-“

Coulson stood up abruptly. “I need the Bus ready to go in ten minutes, wheels up in fifteen. Koenig, get me a secure line to Maria Hill and tell her to warn them I’m coming-“

Koenig paled. “Sir, they don’t have clearance-“

“I’m the Director of SHIELD, I give them clearance,” Phil said firmly. He looked at Melinda. “May-“

She just nodded. “Wheels up in fifteen,” she answered, leaving the room.

Skye floundered some. “Wait- _what_?” she asked. “What’re we doing? If an Avenger is dying, that sucks, but what does that have to do with you?” she asked Phil.

Phil pointed to the door. “Skye, Triplett, on the bus or stay behind, I don’t care. Koenig, once we’re gone, lock down the base.” He didn’t wait for answers before striding out quickly, heading to his room to grab his go-bag and get to the Bus.

~

Skye looked at Phil for so long he couldn’t take it. “Okay, what?” he asked with a sigh.

“A.C., why are we flying to New York-“

“Because I said so,” he cut her off with a glare.

Triplett nudged her. “Hawkeye is Agent Clint Barton, the best marksman in the world,” he explained in a softer tone. “Director Coulson was his superior for a long time, almost as long as you’ve been alive.” He shrugged. “Same reason Simmons is doing research at the hospital to try and help Fitz while we’re on downtime, I’d guess, right sir?” he asked, looking up.

Phil cringed as he stood up. “Sort of,” he said, turning to head up front.

Internally, he couldn’t help but be grimly amused at how much closer to truthful that comparison was than Triplett knew.

~

The Winter Soldier.

Phil couldn’t believe his ears as Pepper walked beside him and explained what happened.

Clint had heard from some Russians – and that was a story in and of itself that Phil wanted to hear – that the Winter Soldier, who it turned out was actually Bucky Barnes, _what the fuck_ , was in town and not far from Clint’s neighborhood. Steve had given up searching after months of not finding him so instead of risk getting Steve’s hopes up, Clint had left to go find out if the rumors were true on his own.

The rumors were true.

Clint had no sooner crawled in the window of a rundown, abandoned apartment the Winter Soldier was squatting in before the Winter Soldier attacked and attacked viciously. The strange part was that the Winter Soldier apparently pulled out Clint’s comm device and told whoever was listening where their agent was and that he was badly hurt. It had only taken them about ten minutes longer to find and capture the Winter Soldier than it did for them to find Clint, beaten half to death, in the abandoned apartment.

Clint was at a nearby hospital, barely clinging to life, from what Phil was told. He didn’t dare make a scene at the hospital and risk Clint’s care if there was a chance he’d live (there was, apparently, because Pepper said if he made it through the night, they had hopes he’d recover fully), so he decided instead to go to the sub-basement holding cell at Stark Tower and confront the man who had nearly killed Agent Barton instead. He had tried to ditch May, Triplett, and Skye, but they wouldn’t fall for his shit and he was forced to meet with Pepper with them standing behind him.

Pepper had taken it better than Phil expected. She let out a few tears of happiness at seeing Phil alive and well and hugged him tight, but otherwise she was the picture of grace under pressure as usual. “Steve, Sam, and Natasha are keeping watch since Bruce and Tony are at the hospital with Clint,” she explained as they walked down a hall that was more like a concrete tunnel. “I haven’t warned them you’re alive, but I called Tony and told him so they probably know anyways.”

Phil sighed. “Of course they do.” As the rounded a corner, he was met with the sight of a holding cell with an observation window that didn’t appear to be a two-way mirror, going by the way the man inside was looking between the backs of the three standing outside the cell. He also was met with the sight of a very cold look from Natasha. 

“Coulson,” she said in greeting and he winced.

“If I say ‘rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated’ will you hit me?” he asked, but she didn’t smile like he hoped she would.

She narrowed her eyes instead. “I’ll tell you what I did Nick when he convinced me he was dead: fuck you, Sir.”

He smiled apologetically. “Natasha, I’m so sorry-“

“Why’re you here?” she demanded. “I figured you’d go straight to Barton.”

He raised an eyebrow at her tone. “I didn’t want to make my comeback from the dead into a spectacle in the place where they’re fighting to keep him alive-“

“Oh bullshit, like you give a damn,” she gritted out, surprising him with her viciousness. “You left us!” she accused.

“I died,” he said simply. He shook his head. “I didn’t have a choice, Natasha.”

“Save it.” Pepper walked closer. “Natasha, save it for later. Right now, Phil has bigger fish to fry. I’m sure he’ll explain it all later,” she said gently and Natasha bit her lip but nodded.

Phil turned to look at the man in the cell behind Natasha and saw the face of a man who was nervous but volatile. It was like a wild animal in a cage. Behind dirty locks of hair falling in front of his face, the Winter Soldier was still looking for a way out.

Phil wasn’t going to risk him finding it.

He started towards the door, but something in his face must’ve showed because Rogers stepped in front of him. “I can’t let you in there, Sir,” he said with a small, apologetic shrug. “Sorry.”

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Says who?” he asked and Steve’s eyes lost some of their innocence and grew more determined.

“I say so, Coulson. The look on your face makes it clear you aren’t going in that room,” he said simply, as if it was just a fact of life.

Coulson narrowed his eyes. “Captain Rogers, as Director of SHIELD, I can order you to step out of my way-“

“And as a man who doesn’t let innocent men get hurt, I’m not letting you anywhere near that door,” Steve replied stubbornly.

Phil was rankled by the words ‘innocent man’. “The Winter Soldier almost killed your teammate-“

“No, _Bucky_ is lucid, he knows who he is and knows what the Soviets did to him,” Steve defended. “I hate that Barton is hurt, I do, but if someone in all black dropped in on you and drew a gun on you, wouldn’t you defend yourself? That’s all Bucky did-“

“The man in that room beat Clint half to death!” Phil argued, raising his voice. “He damn well has to answer for that! I will not let anybody stand in my way in making him pay for what he did! And if Clint dies, I’m going to put a bullet in his head-“

Steve’s face flushed with anger. “The hell you will-“

“STOP IT!” Natasha stepped between them, shoving at them both. “Just stop, both of you!” She looked at Phil. “What the hell is wrong with you, Coulson?! Since when are you into blind vengeance?”

May sighed, the first noise she’d made since they loaded onto the Bus back at base. “Are you really surprised Phil is this worked up over Barton? He’s been in love with him since Barton was a loud mouthed and terrified eighteen year old?” Phil shot her a scathing glare, even as his ears burned red. 

Natasha looked shocked. “What?!” She turned to Phil, frowning. “What about going to visit-“

“Cello lady, right?” Skye spoke up. “What about that? You were still hung up on her like a month ago, Simmons said you were really upset over seeing her again. Audrey, right?” she asked, and Triplett nodded.

“Yeah, sir, I thought you and your lady had something serious?” he asked.

Phil sighed heavily, rubbing at his forehead. “May,” he chastised and she raised an eyebrow.

“Oh what, like it’s not true?” she grumbled.

Steve raised an eyebrow. “You and Barton?” he asked, and Phil shook his head with a sad smile.

“Never happened. Never was going to.” He looked at Skye and Triplett. “Look, yes, before I died, Audrey and I were in a very great, very committed relationship.” He looked at Natasha. “And yes, you’re right, I was going to see her after everything was over, but instead I died.” He saw the confusion on their faces and chuckled weakly.

May shook her head, smiling ruefully. “You’re all so young,” she said softly. She looked at Steve and the man behind him, the one Pepper called Sam. “All of you, even Wilson and Romanov, you’re all young, you _incredibly_ so, Skye,” she said. “You may not realize it yet, but it’s not that odd at all to be fall in love and still be in love with someone else.” 

Pepper looked at Skye. “God, you do look young,” she said, but looked at Phil. “Is that why you came back?” she asked gently. “Clint-“

He rubbed at his forehead. “Maybe I did overreact, but it’s not that. It isn’t how I may or may not feel.” He straightened up some and faced Natasha. “I promised him a long time ago that I wouldn’t leave him behind, and maybe I didn’t get a choice in dying, but I did leave him behind, and because I haven’t been watching after him, he might die any time now.” He shook his head. “I may have missed watching his back, but I’m not going to let the bastard that did it get away with it.” He turned to Steve and squared his shoulder. “So are you going to move, or do I have to move you?” he asked simply, voice taking a dangerous edge.

Steve similarly set his jaw and stood tall. “Sir, I may, for all real purposes, be pretty young, but trust me when I say you and I have a hell of a lot more in common than I would’ve ever imagined,” he said, lips tightening into a hard line. “So you know damn well what I mean when I say I’m not letting you near him.”

Phil actually raised an eyebrow, blinking slowly. “Huh,” he said, and he heard Skye whistle behind him. “You know, fifteen year old me would be losing his mind right now,” he said, and then hardened again. “But fifty year old me is just getting really pissed, Rogers.”

“A.C., come on,” Skye said, walking over, jerking away from May trying to grab her arm. She gave him a meaningful look with her wide brown eyes. “You aren’t like this,” she said, grabbing his hand gently. “Look at Akeela Amador. Look what you did for her. Or Mike Peterson.” She shook her head. “This guy was controlled just like them, right? And the way they put it, this wasn’t even that, he was scared that it was the same ones who did all that horrible stuff to him in the first place coming back and he panicked and defended himself.” She shook her head. “You’re a good guy, A.C.,” she finished softly, squeezing his hand. “You gave me chances when I betrayed you, and yeah, I didn’t beat the hell out of your soul mate or whatever, but I willfully did bad things. This guy was just defending himself.”

Phil couldn’t help but hear what she was saying and what she wasn’t. She had the ability to make him feel ashamed for his more selfish and angry thoughts because she always found the light in the dark and just knowing her had made him want to do the same. What he was doing now, trying to punish someone for something that was just a mistake made out of fear for his life, was not being the kind of person Skye thought he could be and he knew it. He deflated some and curled a hand around Skye’s face, smiling sadly. “You really are something else, Skye,” he said and she smiled with a shrug.

“I learned from the best,” she said, then pulled Phil into a hug that he allowed to linger some. “Besides, you’d get your ass kicked if you tried to get past Captain America, just pointing that out, and I kinda like you alive, Sir,” she said cheerfully as she pulled away.

Phil chuckled and shook his head. “Probably so,” he agreed. He fixed his tie needlessly and turned back to the others. He looked between Natasha, Rogers, and Wilson and smiled apologetically. “Okay, maybe I have overreacted this evening,” he started and Wilson’s eyebrow raise said more than words ever could. “However, while I realize beating the hell out of someone for self-defense isn’t a good idea, I do need to speak to him.” Steve started to argue and he held up a hand. “If you want, you can come in with me.” He shook his head. “But his ties to HYDRA, his part in taking down SHIELD, and his apparent memory return means that he has important information that I could use in the effort to rebuild my organization.”

Steve eyed him warily but nodded. “I’m going in with you, though,” he finally agreed. He looked at Sam. “You and Nat keep things straight out here, just in case.”

May looked at Coulson and he just nodded. She glanced at Skye and Triplett and nodded towards the room. “We’re staying here until Coulson comes out. Nobody else goes in, nobody else gets out.” She looked at Natasha and Wilson. “And neither of you are leaving until Director Coulson says so.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. “Well _Director_ Coulson better get his ass moving then, because I’m hungry and I’m not an Agent of SHIELD anymore so I can tell him to kiss my ass,” she said and Phil laughed slightly, shaking his head. 

“And to think nobody would’ve ever believed me if I told them what you’re like, Natasha,” he teased, then gestured to the door. “Captain.”

Steve looked at him and then nodded, going back. He typed in the code to the door and opened it. Phil could see through the window that the Winter Soldier had backed away from the door and was standing in the far corner.

When Phil walked in, he could see better that there were no tables or chairs, simply a slightly raised area along the back wall, long and narrow, almost like a built in bench. “Have a seat, please,” he said, and the guy nodded and backed up, sitting when his calves hit the ledge. His eyes darted between Phil and Steve, looking somewhere between wild and scared. He looked at Steve, who had moved so he was out of Phil’s way, but was still closer to the back wall than Phil, just in case he had to get between Phil and the prisoner.

“The man I hurt,” the Winter Soldier spoke up suddenly, voice hoarse and rough. “The Chinese lady, she said he was your lover, at least I think that’s what she said.” He looked at Phil. “Are you- are you here to kill me?” he asked. “The other Chinese gal, I couldn’t see what all she said, she was facing wrong like all the other ones, but she said you- you don’t do that,” he said, looking a little desperate. “I really didn’t mean to hurt him that bad-“

Phil interrupted, thrown by the way he was clearly worried he was about to die. “Sir, can you tell me what happened tonight?” he asked.

The Winter Soldier nodded, stringy hair brushing against the wall behind him. “I was asleep – or, or something like sleep, I don’t know if I sleep,” he whispered. “I woke up and there was a man with a gun. I just panicked.” He shook his head. “I didn’t mean to nearly kill the guy.”

Phil schooled his breathing into something calmer. “What is your name?” he asked, knowing this was really going to be the biggest determination of what they were dealing with.

The man frowned some. “I’m not-“ He looked down some, brow furrowed. He mouthed something a few times, then looked up, fists clenched. “B-Bucky?” he tried, almost asking more than stating. “I don’t know why but that feels right, I think?” He looked at the Captain. “I know you,” he said, and Phil glanced over to see, surprising to him at least, tears filling Steve’s eyes but not quite streaking his cheeks yet. The Winter Soldier – or Bucky Barnes, as it appeared he knew he was – tilted his head. “But I know you different. You were small-“

“God, Buck,” Steve choked out, and Phil could see plainly exactly how well Steve must know Phil’s own situation with Clint. “Yes, I was smaller,” he said, smiling shakily. 

Phil looked at Bucky, who was still scrutinizing Steve. “S-Stevie?” he almost whispered, looking unsure of himself.

For all his talk about needing to question the prisoner, he almost felt like he was watching something that should be a private moment when Steve let out what could only be considered a broken sob and his shoulders slumped some as he put a hand over his eyes and cried. Phil felt wrong for intruding on such vulnerability. Phil looked away from Steve and turned to Barnes, who just looked worried at Steve’s reaction. Phil met his eyes. “Do you know what year it is?”

Bucky nodded, looking away from Steve momentarily. “2014, right?” he answered. 

Phil nodded a confirmation. “Do you know why you are in this city?”

“I ran away from HYDRA,” he said more confidently but with less personality. It was clear that the Winter Soldier was still all there, but Bucky Barnes was starting to come through. “I failed my mission. They would give it to me again. I didn’t want to carry out my mission.”

Phil frowned. “What was your mission?” he asked.

Steve sniffled beside him, voice stronger than he expected when Steve spoke up. “Is that why you saved me?” he asked, looking hopeful.

Bucky’s eyes flickered to him, head turning speculatively. “You were my mission but- but you’re my friend.” He shook his head, gripping at his hair. “I can’t hurt Steve. I can’t, I won’t, I can’t do it,” he muttered, and Phil took a step closer.

“Nobody is asking you to hurt him-“

“Nobody hurts Steve!” Bucky cried out, eyes flickering up full of determination. “They won’t make me!” he shouted and Phil backed away quickly. He looked at Steve, eyes full of confusion and desperation. “Steve- Steve, you’re okay, right? They won’t hurt you-“

Phil tried to hold out a hand and stop him, but Steve crossed the room in two large strides and dropped to his knees in front of Bucky, gingerly reaching out to touch his hand. “I’m safe, Buck. I’m safe because you saved me. I fell and you rescued me. You didn’t hurt me, you saved me.”

Bucky appeared to squeeze Steve’s hand hard, breath coming rapidly. “Okay, good. Good, cause you’re my friend,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t need nobody ‘cept you, they can’t make me-“

“I know, I know they can’t,” Steve soothed, looking up at Bucky’s face. “It’s okay, I promise. I won’t let anybody hurt you, either.” Bucky’s eyes flickered to Phil and Phil could see Steve follow and then turn back. “No, Director Coulson won’t hurt you. I won’t let anybody, not even him-“

“But I killed his lover-“

“Nobody’s dead yet, and you were just scared-“

“But he was his _lover_ -“

Phil cleared his throat softly. “I don’t have a lover, Bucky.” He used the only name the Winter Soldier seemed to have connected to himself. “Also, you may not have got the message I should have been giving when I had an outburst outside, but I am aware you were defending yourself, so I would never hurt you for that.” He gave a small, reassuring smile. “Barton – the man you hurt – would never blame you for being afraid after what all you’ve been through, so there’s no reason for me to do the same,” he admitted, even if it was a little hard to really accept that it was true.

Bucky looked at Steve when he spoke again. “Steve… what’s gonna happen to me?” He grimaced. “Who is ‘me’? I don’t- I still don’t understand,” he said, and Phil felt a pang when his voice cracked because it reminded him so much of every mind-controlled person he’d ever come into contact with. So lost and confused. Phil knew what it felt like to be that scared. 

Steve still looked like he could cry again as he spoke. “We’ll take care of you, Bucky. I’ll make sure you’re safe and we – me and my friends – we’ll try and find out what we can do to help you.”

Bucky looked somewhat relieved, which Phil thought was surprising, until he spoke again. “All I know is you, Steve.” He shook his head minutely. “I don’t even know why I can trust you, but I know I can. Cause you’re Steve and Steve is my friend. I’m Bucky and you’re Steve and you- you know me,” he repeated, almost as if convincing himself again.

Steve nodded, a sad smile twisting his lips. “Yeah, Buck. I know you.”

Phil cleared his throat softly. “Obviously, Bucky, you will be kept here for the time being, but he’s right. We’ll try our best to find a way to help you.”

Bucky looked up at nodded. “Okay, I can handle that.”

~

Steve wanted to stay with Bucky, but when Phil left the holding cell, Wilson was in the process of convincing Steve to at least go get some rest and some food. Phil slept for about two hours before going over to the hospital where Clint was being kept. He knew that Clint had survived the night, JARVIS had told him, but he also knew that now he had no excuse to not go and see him.

When he arrived outside of Clint’s room, the whole hall was empty as per Stark’s request and there was a guard outside his room. When Phil walked in, he was surprised to see Steve was there, sitting near the foot of Clint’s bed with a tablet in his hands. Phil coughed softly to announce his presence and Steve looked up. Phil walked in and, as he entered the room, he finally got a good look at Clint.

It was like being kicked in the stomach to look at Clint and remember all those times he’d seen Clint in a hospital bed in all their years together. He walked closer and could tell that this was definitely one of the worst beatings Clint had taken. From what Phil had been told, Clint had a concussion so severe that swelling on the brain had almost killed him before finally going down, his right arm was broken in three places, he had surgery to stop internal bleeding, and his body was littered in such deep bruising that they suspected just moving would cause him pain for weeks.

Phil pulled up a chair and sat beside Clint, looking at his face beneath the bandages. He had been so busted up that between lacerations on his head and face and the surgery, JARVIS informed him Clint had sixty-three stitches. His cheek was stitched up, his forehead was stitched up, his hair was shaved back above his ear and there was a line of stitches there, and above his eyebrow there were stitches. Phil looked at Clint’s hands – two fingers had been dislocated and were splinted – and saw that they were just as bandaged and bruised as everything else. 

Above all, Clint looked older than Phil had ever seen him look. There were lines around his eyes and mouth that hadn’t been there two years ago, Phil knew. Phil couldn’t help but feel responsible for that somehow even if he knew that was insane. “Oh Clint,” he sighed softly, reaching out to rest his fingers against Clint’s left forearm, about the only place he didn’t think he could aggravate something.

“He woke up this morning.” Phil looked down the bed to see Steve watching him. “They think the swelling has gone down for good, so he should be okay now. He woke up for a little while, but they just asked him some questions and stuff and then let him go back to sleep.”

Phil glanced back at Clint and shook his head with a hollow chuckle. “Know it’s bad if he didn’t try and escape.”

“Escape?” Steve asked, and Phil smirked, nodding.

“Barton hates medical,” Phil said with fond amusement. “He never stays as long as they think he should. He always manages to escape. One time he had a broken ankle and still managed to climb out the window and down the side of the building.” Phil chuckled at the memory. “Found him in my office, casually playing basketball with paper and my trashcan two hours later.”

Steve looked at him sheepishly, then bowed his head some. “Sir, I’m sorry about how I behaved last night. I was upset and high strung and I acted with so much insubordination-“

“Technically, I’m Director of SHIELD and you’re no longer a SHIELD operative, Rogers, so I’m not really sure it counts as insubordination,” he comforted. Phil smiled dryly. “And I think we can agree I was behaving irrationally. I’ve let my emotions get the best of me a lot the last year. I blow my top way more than the Director should,” he admitted.

Steve snorted, glancing out the window as he leaned back in his chair, shaking his head some. “If Barton means what I assume he does to you, I can’t blame you one bit.”

Phil chuckled, raising an eyebrow at Steve. “About that. Did I assume right based on what you said about you and me having way more in common than you ever suspected?”

Steve gave a sad smile and nodded, eyes still on the window, though it was clear he wasn’t seeing that far. “I loved Peggy,” he started softly. “I fell for her because she saw me for who I was way before Stark’s machine and Doc’s serum made me big and strong. Peggy cared about Steve Rogers, not Captain America, and how could I not love her?” He smiled sadly. “The most beautiful girl I’d ever seen liked _me_ , even when I was shorter than she was.” He sighed. “I did love her, but that didn’t mean I stopped loving the same person I’d loved since I was old enough to realize that’s what I was feeling,” he admitted. 

Phil thought for a bit before speaking. “I know it was really dangerous back then for that sort of thing, but surely it happened all the time in secret. It’s not like same-gender attraction is a new thing.”

Steve chuckled. “No, it happened. I’m sure it happened way more than I heard about, too.” He made a face. “But it sure never was gonna happen with Bucky and me,” he said with a sad smile tossed Phil’s way. “He was my best friend since we were kids. The only friend I had. Then after my mother died, he was all I had in the whole world.” He glanced at Phil. “I told Natasha and Sam, when I saw that the Winter Soldier was Bucky, that even when I had nothing, I had Bucky, and it’s true.” He shook his head. “He could’ve done whatever he wanted. He didn’t have to move out of his parents’ house to help me afford an apartment, he didn’t have to work more since I couldn’t keep a steady job, he didn’t have to go cold and hungry with me when he could’ve gone home to his Ma, and he didn’t have to spend all those years taking care of me when I was sick and sitting up with me all night when it seemed like it might finally be the one that gets me,” he almost whispered. His eye twinkled when he smiled. “But he did it all because he was my friend. He did it because he saw me as someone who was worth it.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t risk losing the only person – sometimes the only _thing_ \- I had in life. It’s not like he looked at me that way, he always had plenty of dates,” he said with an amused chuckle. “He tried his best to find me dates, but ladies didn’t really have it out for a guy that was more likely to kick the bucket before he hit thirty than anything.”

Phil grimaced. “And to find out he was the one trying to kill you.” He shook his head. “That must’ve been hard.”

Steve chuckled bitterly. “The worst part is I would’ve let him.” He shook his head. “I had nothing to live for.” Phil startled at those words. Steve looked up. “I mean I did, I have Sam and Nat, they’re great friends, but they were still so new. I mean I met Sam about a week and a half before SHIELD fell, so he was really new.” Steve shook his head. “I don’t think it would look good to mention to most people, but let’s just say if Bucky had been alive I probably would’ve at least tried to land that plane,” he said so quietly it was almost a whisper. Phil stilled some. “And if he really was gone and all that was in there was the Winter Soldier, the carrier was already crashing, so if he was gone, why not let him take me with him?” He looked up and saw the shock on Phil’s face and smiled sadly. “There’s nothing quite like waking up and being twenty-five years old but everybody you ever knew was dead apart from your old girlfriend who is so old she can barely remember who you were.”

It struck Phil that, really, he doubted anybody treated Steve like that. Everybody talked to him and acted like he was someone who was old and wise, but really, he was still just a kid when they woke him up. A kid who had very limited military experience and not much else. Now, nearly four years later, Steve was still the youngest of the Avengers. “I forget how young you are,” Phil said gently. “We all do, I think. You may have been born a long time ago, but physically, I’m old enough to be your father.” He shook his head. “When I was your age, I’d been in SHIELD for five years. Special forces for a few years before that. In the Army since I was eighteen.” He smiled sadly. “You just got dropped into this world of weird stuff.”

Steve chuckled, nodding. “One day I was trying to get work painting store signs, Bucky was working at the docks, we’d pay the rent and take whatever was left over to go to a baseball game or to Coney Island, that was our life.” He looked down at his hands. “In ’41 Bucky got drafted, but we didn’t worry about it really.” He shook his head. “It was peacetime drafting. All they did was take a few guys, train ‘em up, and then they spent a year doing weekend drills sometimes.” Steve looked out the window and Phil could see a faraway look that belied how lost in thought he was.

“And then Pearl Harbor?” Phil asked, and Steve dropped his eyes, nodding. Phil could see his throat working as he swallowed hard.

“And then Pearl Harbor,” Steve confirmed. “I tried enlisting everywhere I could, lied on forms, everything. But nobody would take me. Then Bucky got his orders. They promoted him to sergeant and gave him his papers. He hid them from me,” he said with a sad smile. “I knew damn well you didn’t get your orders the day before they ship you out.” He looked up. “I guess he didn’t want to worry me.”

Phil nodded. “How long was it before you saw him again?”

“Too long,” Steve said bitterly. “He left early in ’42 and I didn’t see him again until late ’43. And I almost lost him.” He smiled bashfully. “Everybody tells the heroic story of Captain America rescuing a prisoners of war singlehandedly thirty miles behind enemy lines.” He shook his head, looking up with an expression that made him look _so young_ it almost hurt Phil to think about. “I didn’t really think about anybody else being there. I just knew that Bucky was either dead or I was gonna get him back. I didn’t even really think about all the other soldiers who would be there held captive until I got there and broke them out of their cages. Even then, the whole time I was looking for Bucky. Every single face in every cage. Then when they were out of their cages, I didn’t do shit to help them get out, I just kept looking for him.” Steve scratched at his neck. “I wasn’t a soldier. I was a show girl with a leather jacket who just wanted Bucky back.”

Phil chuckled softly. “Well you led your men after that,” he said and Steve nodded.

“Yeah, but still, we were horrible soldiers,” he said with a small grin. “I didn’t give orders, I had a good strategic mind and they knew my ideas were good. Hell, half the damn time we were together, me and Bucky were fussin’ about stuff he thought was stupid because I was risking my neck unnecessarily. I remember-“ Steve groaned, smiling nostalgically. “I remember Gabe asking the others if they wanted to take bets on how far Bucky would fly when I finally punched him and Bucky started on about how I’d have to punch pretty hard to break his grip from wringing my neck cause I was being stupid.” He bit his lip. “Best thing about Bucky was that he was always looking out for me when I wasn’t doing very well at looking out for myself. He always did that. From the day we met, he was always taking care of me.” 

Phil saw Steve’s lip quiver and he cringed, hoping really badly that _Captain America_ wasn’t about to start crying in front of him again. “Steve, we’re going to help him the best we can, you know that-“

“I spent two weeks before the ice and the past three years since I woke up wishing every single day that I could have Bucky back, and all this time he’s been- been turned into some _tool_ ,” Steve choked out, voice weak. “He could’ve gone home. After being rescued from a POW hold, he could’ve gone home, but he followed me cause the stupid ass couldn’t stand not taking care of me, he followed me and for the past seventy years he’s been treated like less than human, used and abused and tortured and forced to do horrible things.” He sniffled, looking up with tears swimming in his eyes. “I prayed so hard to get him back, but he was never dead, the whole time, he was just waiting for me to save him. How do I live with that? How- how do I live with knowing the center of my entire world has suffered for so long because I couldn’t save him?”

Phil shook his head sadly. “You’re asking the wrong person. I let everybody think I was dead for two years.” He hesitated. “Well, a year and a half. I was dead for a while, then I spent six months having my brain played with, then I started lying.” 

Steve chuckled wetly, wiping at his eyes. “Yeah, you’re sort of a special kind of asshole. That’s for sure.” He stretched and then stood up. “I’m gonna go see if Stark’s ready to kill your team yet,” he said in parting before walking out the door.

Phil settled back in his chair, content to watch Clint sleep for a while.

~

Phil chuckled as the person on TV got tasered. “And that’s why you don’t mess with cops in Texas,” he murmured, grimacing as the cop’s dog bit the guy. “That’s gotta hurt.”

“Mmmmm, who got tasered this time?” a sleepy, rough voice croaked behind him. Phil spun around quickly, eyes wide as he watched Clint blinking slowly, eyes barely opened. Phil leaned closer, hand on the bed railing as he leaned closer. Clint blinked slightly. “Sir?”

Phil smiled in relief at seeing Clint and hearing his voice after thinking for sure he wasn’t going to wake up, no matter what the doctors told him. It was a worry he couldn’t shake. “Hey Clint,” he said softly. He leaned a little closer. “How are you?” he asked, hoping that in Clint’s fuzzy state he wouldn’t get angry right away.

Clint blinked again, blue eyes barely showing between his lashes, before he seemed to realize he wasn’t seeing wrong. Phil tensed, waiting for a bad reaction, but was very confused when Clint’s face melted into a smile so bright it had to hurt the bruises on his face. “Boss Man, you have no idea how good it feels to see you,” he croaked, dry lips nearly cracking at the force of his smile. Phil was surprised when Clint reached out carefully and curled his hand around Phil’s on the rail. “Mmmmm, so. M’dead then, huh?” He grumbled. “Of course it had to be something as dumb as tryin’ to help Captain Queer and his misery-causing boyfriend.”

Phil’s heart stuttered and his gut clenched when he realized that Clint thought since he was waking up to see Phil that _he had died, too_. “Oh God,” he breathed, turning his hand over under Clint’s. “Clint. Clint, you’re not dead.”

Clint gave him a crooked little grin. “Nah, it’s okay, Boss. You don’t gotta sugar coat it. I’m totally fine with this, Sir.” He weakly curled his fingers in Phil’s and tugged them to his chest, holding Phil’s hand captive against his side. “I’m good with being dead if it means I get to see you again,” he said softly, eyes shining as he looked at Phil like he was the best thing he’d seen in years. “Wouldn’t have been so worried if I knew I’d find you right off the bat. But ‘s all okay now.” He turned into the pillow a bit, looking almost shy. “Everything’s okay if you’re with me, Phil.”

Phil didn’t know there was any level of heartbreak he hadn’t felt in his life until the moment Clint Barton, the man who had suffered so much and fought so hard to survive all the shit he’d been dealt by life, welcomed death if it meant seeing Phil again.

And Phil had _let him_ think for the past year and a half that the only way he’d ever see him again was in death.

Phil swallowed hard, refusing to cry. He didn’t cry. He never cried. He hadn’t cried when Skye was bleeding out in his arms. He hadn’t cried when he saw how Audrey had mourned for him. He had only spilled a very few tears when he was being forced to relive the torture of his resurrection by Rayna. He was not going to cry now. “Clint,” he whispered, reaching out with his free hand, the one not trapped by Clint’s hold, to stroke Clint’s bangs away from his forehead. “Clint, you’re alive. You’re alive and I’m alive.” He swallowed hard. “I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t make Fury tell you sooner. I’m sorry I haven’t come to you since SHIELD fell. I’m so sorry.”

Clint frowned. “But… how’m I with you if I’m alive?” He shook his head some, blinking, eyes clearing up some. “What- what do you mean- You died.” He looked at himself – at the arm in a cast – down at the hospital generic blanket over him. He looked over at the machines next to him, closing one eye to see them clearly before blinking, eyes more lucid now. He turned to look at Phil, eyes wider. “You- you’re not-“ He looked at the hand in his and grabbed Phil’s wrist, following up to his elbow, squeezing to feel he was solid. “You-“ He swallowed hard, blinking. “No,” he choked out.

Phil nodded. “I’m so sorry, Clint-“

Clint’s face shut down, eyes growing cold. Phil’s heart started pounding and Clint’s face closed down like a door shutting. “You’re not dead, Agent Coulson,” he said in a louder, clearer, but so cold and clinical tone. 

Phil shook his head, hand feeling cold from where Clint shoved it away from him. “Reports of my death were greatly-“

“I swear to God if you say exaggerated I will find a way to punch you without ripping out my IV, Sir,” Clint said, voice tight as he looked straight ahead, refusing to meet Phil’s eyes. 

Phil grimaced. “Clint, I’m so sorry I didn’t-“

“You’ve been dead for two years, Agent Coulson. It’s a wonder you bothered telling anybody at all,” he said coldly.

Phil leaned back, looking the side of Clint’s face, watching his jaw working. “It’s Director,” he said softly, and immediately he knew that was the wrong thing to say. 

“What?” Clint asked, jerking to look at him, his mask falling away in surprise. 

Phil nodded. “Director Coulson. Not Agent. Nick decided to let me be the one to start over from the ground up since Maria Hill found employment with Stark-“

“Maria fucking Hill knows you’re alive?” Clint gritted out, facing ahead again. “She- she works at the fucking tower, oh my God, I visit her to pester her when I can, how does she-“

“SHIELD lies, Clint,” Phil said sadly. “It’s what we do. We lie a lot. We lie for reasons we don’t understand. We do things we never…” He looked down at his lap. “Level sevens and higher all knew I was alive-“

“Son of a BITCH!” Clint spat. “That’s why he wouldn’t promote me and Natasha, right? That’s why he wouldn’t let us go up a peg even though we were both due promotions, that dirty bastard.” He shook his head, closing his eyes. “How could you- how could you let him-“

“Clint, it wasn’t my call-“

“STOP CALLING ME THAT!” Clint shouted angrily, voice louder than he almost ever got. He glared at Phil like Phil had personally ruined his life. “Why the FUCK do you think you get to call me by my first name when you spent the last TWO YEARS letting me think you were DEAD!”

“I wasn’t allowed-“

Clint cut him off again. “I SPENT NEARLY TWENTY YEARS OF MY LIFE WORKING WITH YOU AND YOU WEREN’T ALLOWED TO TELL ME YOU WERE ALIVE?!” he shouted with a voice so full of rage Phil almost worried he was going to hurt himself.

“Clint, please, relax-“

“No, fuck you. You fuck off,” he spat. “You were like family to me, Coulson, like the family I should’ve had, you and Natasha and Jasper, and what do I find out?! Jasper was fuckin’ Hydra and you were totally fine letting me think you were dead for two years! I’m waiting for Natasha to try leave me for dead in a field somewhere, then my family experience will be pretty fuckin’ complete!” Clint spat acridly. 

Phil wanted to reply but that was when a nurse finally showed up and kicked him out and threatened to not let him back if he ever got her patient riled up again. 

~

When Phil got back down to the detention center, his eyes nearly popped out of his head when he found Wilson and Triplett outside the cell while _Skye sat inside alone with the Winter Soldier_. “What the absolute fuck is going on here?!” he demanded of them. They both looked shocked at his language, but didn’t react.

Wilson held his hands up. “Yo, I just turned around and saw her in there one minute. I didn’t even notice she wasn’t still standing at the glass!” he defended

Triplett cringed. “I’m sorry, Director Coulson. She was at the glass and then when I heard the door and turned, she was already inside. We called-“

“Dammit, who let her in there?!” May demanded, coming around the corner with Steve and Tony Stark on her heels. “I swear to God-“

Wilson interrupted. “Look, there’s no harm in it,” he said, looking around at them. “Seriously, she won’t come out and if we had barged in, it would stress Barnes out.”

Steve bit his lip. “Sam, what if he hurts her-“

“Who here deals with traumatized people on a regular basis?” Sam argued, crossing his arms as he glared at Steve. “If it seems like he’s going to lash out, we can storm the castle or whatever, but for now, I say we just wait for a while-“

“You do that, Mr. Wilson,” Phil said as he walked right past them to the door of the cell. “Everybody else do the same,” he said as he opened the door and slipped inside. The cell cut off noise from the outside, but he could see the glares through the glass. He looked over at Skye, who was sitting on the floor across from Barnes, who mirrored her position. “What’re you up to?” he asked as he walked over, looking down to see cards spread out before them.

“Solitaire,” Skye said, nodding at the two empty card boxes to their left. “I haven’t played this with real cards before,” she added, nodding at Barnes. “He couldn’t remember poker. This works too.”

Phil crossed his legs beneath him as he sat down, looking at Skye to his left and Barnes to his right. “What made you decide to come introduce yourself?” he asked, and Skye shrugged, looking up at Barnes.

“Figured he had to be kinda lonely all shut up in here alone, isn’t that right, Bucky?” she asked and he looked up, meeting her eyes with a small smile.

“Sure thing. Got pretty bored in here but a pretty girl with cards came along to help out,” he said in an almost flirtatious, much less empty tone than before. 

Skye met Phil’s eyes and he gave her a nod confirming he heard it, too. “So, how’d it go with Agent Barton, A.C.?” she asked.

Barnes tensed, looking up nervously. “That’s the fella I hurt, right?” He looked at Phil. “How’s he?”

Phil smiled comfortingly. “He’ll be fine. He has a lot of healing to do, but he should make a full recovery with time.” He glanced at Skye. “He woke up.”

Her eyes widened and she clapped some. “While you were there? Did you talk to him?” His face must’ve shown something he didn’t mean it to because her face fell. “Oh man, how did he handle it?”

Phil sighed heavily. He knew that Barnes wouldn’t care what he said, so he didn’t bother hiding anything. “I’ve felt like shit over many things in my life, Skye, but I honestly feel like I should’ve let Garett kill me.”

Skye paled. “That bad, huh?” she asked gently.

“What happened?” Bucky asked, and Phil looked at him in mild surprise. “He wasn’t happy to see you?”

Phil chuckled weakly, pulling at his sleeves some. “I… I died. A while back. SHIELD brought me back, but I didn’t- SHIELD didn’t tell everybody I wasn’t still dead.” He looked at Bucky. “Clint was one of the people that still thought I was dead until I came back last night. But he wasn’t awake so he found out when he woke up and I was there.”

Bucky frowned, looking like he was trying to understand something. “But… Steve thought I was dead and he’s real happy I’m not dead. Why isn’t your friend glad you’re alive?”

“He probably is,” Phil said gently. “But I lied to him about it. I let him keep thinking I was dead.”

Bucky nodded, seeming to get it as he laid another card down, clearly having drawn one he needed. “Yeah, I bet he was pretty upset at that,” he said, then looked up with a small smile. “But I bet deep down he’s real glad you’re alive, Sir.”

Phil smiled sadly. “I know he is, but it doesn’t mean he’s not still angry and hurt.”

“Did he have anybody else there when he woke up?” Skye asked and Phil shook his head.

“He-“ Phil tensed, looking down at his lap. “He thought he was dead.” Skye paled. “He woke up and saw me and he reached out and took my hand and pulled it to his chest and kept smiling at me like-“ Phil’s throat tightened and he coughed weakly. “Like I was the only thing he wanted to look at,” he admitted. “He told me that- that he wasn’t too upset about dying since the first thing he saw was me. He said everything was okay as long as I was there.”

Skye gasped and reached out, grabbing his hand. “Oh God,” she whispered. When he looked up she scooted closer and threw her arms around his neck. “Jesus, Coulson, you said you were in love with this guy, not that he was in love with you,” she said, and he relaxed into her hold, hugging her back around the middle loosely. “Oh my God I want to cry and I’m not the one who got told that.”

“I- I think I felt like that.” They pulled apart and looked at Barnes, who was still studying his cards. “I remember waking up, and it was cold, and I hurt all over, but Steve was there.” Phil saw his lips twitch in a small smile. “Steve was there, so it was okay. I didn’t really know what was going on, but Steve was with me and I think I missed him so I didn’t feel the hurt and the cold so bad, cause Steve was back.” He frowned suddenly, looking at the glass, looking through at where Steve and the others were outside. “Steve’s my friend, but- but I think I loved him.” He looked so confused when he looked at Skye. “Did Steve used to be my lover?” he asked, and Skye laughed out loud.

Phil glared at her but she couldn’t seem to help herself. “No, he wasn’t your lover,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows. “Although a big, blue pair of eyes like you’ve got, a boy could be persuaded, I’m sure.”

“Skye,” Phil sighed and she flapped a hand at him.

“Oh whatever, Bucky can feel whatever he feels, that’s the beauty of him being free from those jerks, he gets to learn to be Bucky,” she said, giving Bucky an encouraging smile. “Feel whatever you want to feel, my man, because nobody is gonna take away your thoughts and emotions and memories anymore.”

Bucky looked confused still, but managed a little smile. “You sure? What if the ones out there decide they want The Asset again?”

Phil felt his gut clench as he looked at the man before him – looked at the man Steve had told him about earlier – and thought about how much of his humanity had already been stripped away. “I’m the boss of those people out there, Bucky, and I promise you I will _never_ let any of them do that to you again.” It made him feel sick to think about how this shell of a person who was trying his best to make sense of the world around him was once an incredible guy with a big heart and an even bigger personality. 

Skye smiled at Coulson and then nodded, making a fist and a tough face. “If anybody wants to try, they gotta come through me first, huh, Bucky?” she asked and Bucky gave her a small, amused smile that gave Phil hope that, even if he knew Bucky Barnes would never be the man he once was, there was enough left in him that he could still relearn how to be a person like he deserved to be, not a machine like he’d been made.

~

When Skye and Phil finally left, Bucky had fallen asleep. JARVIS assured them that Bucky would be safe in there, so Natasha was able to persuade Steve to come back upstairs with the rest of them. Phil went to take a nap but when he woke up, showered, and changed, he found most of the rest eating takeout in the communal area of Stark’s penthouse. 

“Hey, Phil,” Skye said, patting the seat beside her. “Pull up some couch.”

Phil walked over intending to sit with her, but instead, he reached out and snagged some takeout and sat on the floor, leaning his back against the couch. “Mmm, Chinese. Good. I’m down on my MSG lately.”

Stark, who had been watching him closely, shook his head. “Shit, I really hoped they were all lying to me,” he said, and Phil realized with a pang he hadn’t seen Tony yet. “Well hi, Agent, nice to see you’re alive. You bitch,” he said loftily.

Phil chuckled. “That’s Director Agent now,” he joked and he could see how surprised Natasha looked at his joking demeanor. He shrugged. “He deserves a few cheap shots. I did die on him.” He looked at May. “I see you haven’t strangled anybody yet. Thanks for that.”

May rolled her eyes. “I’ve been biting my tongue so much I can’t taste my food. Thanks for that,” she copied him mockingly.

Phil took a bite of his noodles and moaned. “I haven’t eaten in nearly twenty-four hours. Whoever ordered this, I’m promoting you.”

There was a soft chuckle and he realized he hadn’t even noticed someone sitting beside Stark. Dr. Banner offered a small smile, tilting his head. “I don’t work for you, but you’re welcome.”

Phil smiled and nodded. “Dr. Banner. It’s nice to see you haven’t made a run for it yet.” He shook his head. “Don’t have the tech or manpower to look after you this time.”

Bruce smiled a little easier. “Well, Tony kinda claimed me as his, so I don’t need to run when he can protect me here.”

After a moment Skye made a noise, then nudged Phil with her foot, looking down at him. “A.C. I promise I’m not trying to rush you eating and all, but we should probably talk about what’s going to happen from here.” She looked at Triplett. “We were kinda wondering what we’re going to do now.”

Phil looked around at the others and noticed Steve was staring into his box of rice, clearly not even really in the room with them. “Well,” he started, looking back at Skye. “I’d like to stick around here and try to figure out what we can do with Barnes.”

“Do with him?” Tony asked, looking at him curiously. 

Phil nodded. “Rebuilding SHIELD hasn’t given us much yet, Mr. Stark. We don’t have the medical facilities we need for him, we don’t have the tech, the doctors, the resources in any way, shape, or form. You have a holding cell for him here, but there isn’t anywhere near adequate resources for the care he’s going to need.”

Steve looked at him, eyes showing guarded hope. “Care? Not containment?”

Phil met his eyes. “Steve,” he said earnestly, “I refuse to treat him like a threat to be contained. He’s a person and he needs help.” He shook his head. “I’m not Nick Fury. SHIELD under my control is going to be a little different. I don’t go straight to ‘eliminate’ the problem, I try to fix it.”

“You’ve always been that way.” They all looked at Natasha, who shrugged. “Fury recruited me, but you were the one who refused to take the shot and made him have to bring me in,” she said softly. “You and Clint were sent to kill me. You captured me instead and Fury taught me how to be a SHIELD agent instead of a tool for killing.” She smiled some. “If you hadn’t made that call, if Fury’s order had been carried out, I’d have been dead before I hit twenty-five.”

Phil nodded. “I had autonomy since I came back – well, I thought I did – and I saw from the outside how ‘shoot to kill’ isn’t always the best way to do things.” He looked at Steve. “I talked to Bucky, and I watched him talk to Skye. I’m not going to tell you your friend is still in there, because I can’t know that,” he said and Steve nodded, looking like he’d steeled himself to that fact. “But he’s a person.”

Skye nodded, with a sad smile. “He seems better than I’d have thought. I mean, he’s still totally messed up, but like he’s learning things,” she said, bouncing some in her seat as she looked around. “From what I’ve put together, the guy’s been- been dehumanized. He’s had people removing all the things that make him a man, all his emotions and his memories and his free will, but just when I was in there with him, you can see that he’s learning to make his own decisions, and to feel things and think things all on his own.” She smiled at Phil with a hopeful look. “He’s got a chance to be somebody, right? I mean, he may not be Bucky Barnes like he used to be, but he’s building a sense of self-identity all on his own.” 

Phil nodded. “And if we can get him the care he needs, he can at least develop an identity that’s his own.” He looked at Steve. “I want to help him. He’s been dehumanized for too long. He’s got to have help learning how to be his own person and not somebody else’s object like he has been for so long.”

Steve smiled at him, looking a little choked up. “Thank you, sir.” He looked around at the others. “So what can we do?”

Tony hummed and looked at Phil. “What resources _does_ SHIELD have right now? Or neo-SHIELD or whatever,” he asked, waving a hand as if swatting away the name question.

Phil shook his head. “Not much. We have one secure facility right now. Everything else was either taken by HYDRA or destroyed, either by self-destruction to keep HYDRA from taking over, or from HYDRA deciding ‘burn it all’ was the only solution instead of trying to preserve the site. There are other facilities that have been seized by the US Government, like our first secure facility after the fall.” He scoffed. “Maria Hill walked them right into our building.”

“We don’t have contact but with a few people out there who are still willing to be SHIELD,” May said, and the others nodded. “Handfuls of agents all over the world. But right now they’re all struggling to find people who are still hiding out from when their cover was blown and rescuing them. It’s been a few months but it’s very slow going. We don’t have any advanced tech. No satellites, no aircraft besides our two planes, no advanced weaponry, nothing.”

Phil groaned. “We would have stolen some satellites and had at least some weapons built and ready, but…” The others all looked down in sadness for a moment and Phil ran a hand over his head. “If we had FitzSimmons, I’d already have them taking over one of Tony’s labs to start running tests on Bucky. Blood work, physical exam, getting specs on that arm...” He sighed. “But if I had FitzSimmons, we’d have all that stuff I just listed.”

“Who is Fitzsimmons?” Steve asked.

“Fitz and Simmons, rather,” Phil said softly. “Jemma Simmons and Leo Fitz. The honest to God smartest people I’ve ever met.”

Tony cleared his throat pointedly and Phil shot him a flat look. “What? I’m a literal genius!” Tony said, then pointed at Bruce. “And you know him, he’s a genius too!”

May rolled her eyes. “They both had two doctorates each by the time they were twenty-one.”

Bruce and Tony both looked surprised. “Well… damn.”

Phil nodded with a sad smile. “Fitz could’ve put you out of business in ten years, Stark. He would’ve invented things that would make even you question yourself.”

Tony frowned. “Wait… did they-“

“They’re alive,” May said simply.

Phil nodded. “Jemma is fine. I can get her out here to help out with Bucky, but she’s got a lot on her plate now. Fitz suffered brain damage. Jemma spends all her spare time working on medical research for him.”

Bruce cleared his throat. “Do you mind me asking what happened?”

“HYDRA,” Phil said faintly, looking down at his hands. “One of our teammates was HYDRA and he turned on us. When they tracked him down, he captured them, put them in a med pod, and dropped the pod in the ocean.” He smile weakly. “They woke up at the bottom of the ocean and Fitz built an emergency beacon out of an EKG machine.” Tony raised an eyebrow. “They’ve been best friends for years. They met at the academy and neither of them had friends and they’ve been each other’s only friend since they were teenagers. They have their own language, almost, they work together so much. Those two were able to work out and put together a way to break the glass on the door with just medical supplies, but…” He shook his head. “There was one oxygen tank and it was a long way to the surface. Even with decompression to worry about, they had to get out and only one of them would have oxygen to get to the surface. Fitz tried to make Simmons take it and when she refused, he put it in her hands and blew the door.” He looked at Bruce. “She dragged him with her to the surface, and the signal had worked, Fury himself picked them up barely after they broke the surface, but even then, Fitz went without oxygen for long enough that there was a lot of damage.”

“Why didn’t they wait?” Tony asked. “If they had the signal going, why not wait?”

“Because there was nobody to hear it, was there?” Steve asked. “If it was after SHIELD fell, they knew nobody was coming,” he said, looking grim. “They thought that was their only choice.”

Phil nodded. “Simmons was fine, but now she does everything she can to try and find something to help him.”

“You guys are a pretty close team, huh?” Steve said, and Phil knew Steve knew better than any of them how close a team could get.

“Well yeah, but Fitz was gonna die to save her because he loves her,” Skye said. “He’s probably been in love with her since they were kids, and if it was her or him, he was gonna make sure she made it. It’s not the first time he’s tried to sacrifice himself for her.”

Phil grinned slyly at Steve. “He tried to put on a parachute and jump out of a plane after her even though he’d never used a parachute in his life. Didn’t think twice about how insane that was if it meant saving Simmons.” Steve grinned and blushed slightly as he looked down, breaking the gaze.

“What’s his prognosis?” Tony asked and Phil grimaced.

“Last update, his healing has slowed dramatically. It’s been a few months, and he’s steadily had more healing all along. But he still has terrible trouble communicating and he has some trouble using his hands.” Phil gave him a solemn look. “Fitz’s IQ could very well be higher than yours, Tony. The chances of him ever being what he was before are extremely low.” Phil scoffed, putting down the food he had ignored so far. “I was dead for nearly a week and they brought me back,” he said, startling some of them, who didn’t know the details. “SHIELD had what it needed to _resurrect me_. But now we’re so lost I don’t even have a hope of the type of medical technology we need to give Fitz a better chance at recovery,” he grumbled bitterly.

Skye curled her hand around his wrist, squeezing. “Hey, Simmons developed a cure for an _alien_ virus in a few hours. Even working with civilian medical staff, if anybody can help Fitz, it’s her. You know how much he means to her. She’s going to fix him if she has to work on it the rest of her life.”

“So… he’s her Pepper?” Tony asked, and Skye gave him a confused look. He rolled his eyes. “Oh come on, do you not read any gossip columns?” 

Phil chuckled but nodded. “He’s definitely her Pepper.”

Dr. Banner fidgeted some. “Um, I’d love to offer my help with the research she’s doing. I’m not a medical doctor, but I know enough that I could help her at least.”

Tony nodded. “Yeah, we can offer her better facilities here. And as far as SHIELD needing a medical facility, I can give you a temporary fix. The hospital where Legolas is, that’s a Maria Stark Foundation hospital. If you want, consider the wing he’s in all yours.”

Bruce nodded. “Yeah, it may not be a secret, secure facility, but Tony and I can put together a much more advanced lab for you guys to work in. We’ve perfected Hulk-Proof structure upgrades, so we could give you places that would withstand attack on lockdown.” 

“Yeah, definitely,” Tony said. “Especially if you can get the Fitz kid here so we can see what can be done for him.”

Phil was a little surprised. Not that they wanted to help, because he knew Tony Stark was secretly a good person, but because of how interested they were in this one person. “Stark, I can’t ask all of that of you-“

“Look,” Tony interrupted. “The way I see it, a mind like this kid has is something that is rare and precious. I’m not just being my normal ‘I’m awesome’ self when I say that people who can do the things me and Bruce and these kids can are vital to the future. Look at what you said. You said if you had FitzSimmons working as a team you would be way ahead of where you are now, right?”

Phil nodded. “Definitely. With Skye’s help, they could have already commandeered some satellites and got us the surveillance we need around the world, and even without Skye, they could be giving us weapons we need for the threats we’re facing.”

May glanced at Natasha. “FitzSimmons invented the ICERs that popped up the last few months before SHIELD fell.”

Steve looked up, surprised. “The stronger ones? Natasha totally tested one of those on me and it knocked me out for a solid hour.”

Natasha preened. “By ‘tested’, he means I got sick of his yapping and shut him up by shooting him in the butt,” she said proudly.

Phil chuckled. “Fitz is a mechanical and electrical engineering genius and Simmons is a biochemist. They made us all sorts of neat gadgets. I felt like I was James Bond half the time.”

Tony smiled sadly. “Like I said, a kid with that kind of talent is useful. I’m not saying we wouldn’t help you even if he was just another random person who wasn’t ‘useful’, but you need all the help you can get right now.”

Bruce gestured between himself and Tony. “We’ll get started on Bucky. I’m not a therapist – though half the damn tower seems to think I am – but I can talk to him about some things and Tony can take a look at his arm, make sure there’s nothing dangerous hidden in there, like a tracker.” He looked at Steve apologetically. “You won’t like this, but any chance you and Natasha still have any of that magical super-soldier strength sedative? If he gets agitated, he’s almost as strong as you, we can’t hope you’re enough to contain him if he has an episode.”

“We’ll get you some,” Phil offered. “It should be safe on him,” he reassured Steve. 

“Not to be the downer of the party,” Trip said, speaking up. “But… if he can’t be helped, if he can’t get better than what he is now, what’s the plan?”

“I’ll take care of him,” Steve said firmly. “I don’t care if he doesn’t get better than he is now, I’m going to take care of him the same way he always took care of me. Bucky spent plenty of nights sitting beside my bed awake to make sure I kept breathing, and by God, the least I can do is take care of him if he needs me to.”

Trip raised an eyebrow, smiling some. “You know, my granddad never did believe the stories Sergeant Barnes told about you being sickly, but you’re not joking, are you?”

Steve frowned. “Your granddad?”

Phil smiled at Steve. “Gabe Jones’s grandson, Antoine Triplett” he said, and Steve’s eyes widened as he looked at Trip.

“Jesus, are you really?” he asked and Trip nodded with a smile. Steve shook his head, putting his hands over his face.

“And I bet you’re my age. God, if I ever needed a reminder of how crazy my life is, this is it,” he muttered.

Natasha snickered. “Told you you’re a fossil, Grandpa,” she said and he glared at her halfheartedly.

“Yeah, well you’re older than me physically, Nat. Are those wrinkles I see forming?” Steve asked in an innocent tone. “Is the hair color for the grays you’re getting at your advanced age?”

Natasha narrowed her eyes at him. “I’ll cut you, Rogers-“

“That makes your wrinkles even more obvious-“

Tony held up his hands. “Children, children, the grown-ups are talking, can you not?”

Phil chuckled at the way Natasha glared at Stark. “It’s nice to see you fitting in, Natasha,” he said warmly. “It took two years and getting shot before you joked around with me and Barton. Half of SHIELD didn’t think you actually knew how to joke.”

Natasha shrugged, crossing her legs with a small smile. “It was this or go on the run. Steve’s fun and Barton’s fun and scaring Stark is fun and Bruce is cute and I distinctly remember how _not_ fun running for my life is.”

Phil nodded. “That’s damn true. Neither is living in a no-tell motel for a week and a half like we did when SHIELD fell. That was decidedly not cool.”

Skye shrugged. “I lived in a van for two years, the motel wasn’t so bad,” she argued and Phil grimaced.

“I’m pretty sure the suits I hung in that closet have nightmares about those cheap hangers and you say it ‘wasn’t so bad’?” he asked flatly.

Skye rolled her eyes. “You wear suits that cost more than my entire van did. Beggars can’t be choosers like snooty SHIELD agents can.”

Natasha nodded. “Coulson is pickier about his outfits than Pepper Potts. I should know, I was her assistant for a while, and that woman can dress.”

Steve cleared his throat. “How did we get from brain damaged scientist to Coulson’s clothes?” he asked, and Natasha grinned.

“Don’t worry, Old Man, it’s okay that your brain isn’t what it used to be-“

“Natasha, I’m serious-“

“So am I! You do remember there are fifty states now, right?-“

“Natasha, I swear to God,” Steve groaned, putting a hand over his face.

Tony looked at Natasha like she was possessed and gestured to her. “Coulson, should we be afraid of… this? She’s like tiny, compact death every time it’s just me and her. Is it me? Is there some reason she has a personality with other people?”

Phil glanced at May, who was smirking, then back to Tony. “I think she just doesn’t like you. No idea why not,” he said innocently, and May actually looked like she was biting back a laugh when Natasha turned her ‘sweetest’ smile on Tony and refused to stop.

~

When Clint opened his eyes, he immediately saw a girl sitting at his bedside, feet propped on the end of his bed as she watched the TV on the wall. “Um, who are you?” Clint asked, trying to recognize her only to realize he didn’t remember ever laying eyes on her.

She looked up and smiled at him. “Oh hey, you’re awake!” She leaned in some, clearly looking at his eyes. “Wooow, you’re just as cute as Simmons said you are. Totally see what she meant about the baby blues,” she said with a small grin.

Clint raised an eyebrow. “Simmons?”

The girl nodded. “SHIELD scientist? Brown hair, British, attached at the hip with the little Scottish one called Fitz?”

The image of a face beyond the bow being handed to him to test came to mind. “Oh, yeah, the ones that made my bow, right.” He looked at her searchingly. “Are you… a friend? Also, why are you here?”

She grimaced. “Sorry, terrible manners.” She held out a hand, only to stop when he lifted the casted right hand. “Ah, well I’m Skye, and yes, I’m a friend of theirs. We’re all on Director Coulson’s team.”

Clint’s face shut down immediately, eyes closing as he let out a frustrated sigh. “Coulson has you here to keep me from getting out of bed, doesn’t he?”

“No, Sir,” she said and he opened his eyes, surprised by the way she addressed him. She smiled gently. “You’re a superior SHIELD Agent,” she reminded him.

Clint scoffed. “I don’t know where you’ve been, Kid, but there is no SHIELD. Not anymore.”

“Director Coulson says otherwise,” Skye said, shrugging. “Look, I came to sit because nobody else has time to come see you and I’d hate being stuck in a hospital bed with no visitors.”

Clint couldn’t help a small measure of amusement showing on his face when he looked her over. “He has no idea you’re here, does he?”

She smiled brightly. “Are you kidding? A.C. would kill me.” She rested her elbows on the bed rail and put her chin in her hands, looking at him. “You know,” she said, smiling sadly. “You should let him come back.” 

“Why? He didn’t tell me he was alive. Does he really deserve updates on my condition?” he asked and she frowned some.

“Look, I know it sucks,” she said softly. “I’ve never liked all this ‘level seven only’ clearance bull, I hated working with actual SHIELD because in Coulson’s team, we don’t separate ‘need to know’ by experience level, and the one time we did ‘need to know’, SHIELD tried to strand two of ours without an extraction plan when they thought there was one.” She tilted her head, looking at him. “He’s changed.”

“Yeah, he has, he didn’t used to be an asshole,” Clint said harshly and he saw her gaze harden.

Skye sighed in clear frustration. “He dropped _everything_ and brought us here because you weren’t sure to live,” she said in a harder tone. “Agent, if you don’t think Coulson cares, you’ve got something to learn.”

Barton gave her a disbelieving look. “You’re really going to pull that shit on me?”

“Yes,” she said defiantly. Her eyes softened. “Look, you should know the truth.” She shook her head. “If you tell him I told you something only he and I know, I’ll rat you out so fast,” she threatened and he rolled his eyes. “He died.”

“Yeah, I get that-“

“No, Clint,” she said in a gentle tone. “He _died_.” She shook her head. “For days. He was dead almost a week. Body in a morgue somewhere dead.” Clint’s jaw hardened and she continued. “Fury did something with this ‘miracle drug’. It was actually some fluid from an alien’s body. There was a cadaver and the drug came from it.”

Clint’s eyes widened. “What did Fury do?” he asked hollowly, cold fear filling his throat.

She flinched, but didn’t look away. “I don’t know. He won’t tell anybody details. But whatever it was… it was bad. He got kidnapped by Centipede and they did this thing to try and read whatever happened to him, to make him remember.” She swallowed hard. “By the time I got to him, he was screaming and begging for someone to let him die. He was awake for whatever Fury did to him and whatever it was was so painful he begged them to stop and let him die.” She shrugged. “But he’s alive now. And they put in false memories so he didn’t know something was wrong for a while. By then he’d been dead so long he figured coming back would fuck up the healing everybody had done.” 

“That’s such bull,” Clint argued bitterly. He shook his head. “Whatever Fury did, I hope he rots in hell for it, sure, but Phil-“ He swallowed. “Agent Coulson had no right to not tell people who cared about him-“

“He had every right,” she argued, surprising Clint. “Look, it _sucks_ being lied to, trust me. And yeah, he’s lied to me, and I’ve lied to him, and it sucks! But he has suffered enough! His whole world has turned on its head, everything about his life got ruined, and now he’s absolutely on his own and trying to rebuild SHIELD from the bottom up.” She shook his head. “It’s his life. He has every right to make choices about it.”

Clint deflated some. “Maybe he does,” he admitted, running his uninjured hand over his face. “Doesn’t mean he should’ve felt like he deserved to just waltz in and stir shit up when everybody was finally starting to settle.”

She glared at him. “He dropped _everything_ to come here because he heard you might die. He didn’t even drop everything when he went to save the women he loved from a psycho who could’ve killed her, he split the team up.”

Clint grumbled under his breath. “Oh, so Audrey knows he’s alive, too. That’s just swell,” he muttered bitterly.

“Actually, no,” Skye said, and he looked at her with a frown. “He went, but stayed hidden so she never saw him. Even when she got hurt, he checked on her and then ran away before she could wake up and see him. He said she’d hurt enough and deserved to finish mourning and move on.” She gave him a pointed look. “Yet he was sitting here waiting for you to wake up.” She tilted her head. “What does that tell you?”

Clint swallowed hard, looking away. “That he didn’t have a fuckin’ clue how much him dying had hurt me, too.”

Skye nodded. “I have a pretty good idea he has no clue how bad it hurt you,” she said and he looked at her in surprise. “But I can tell you one thing. I’ve never seen him want to kill the bad guy if there was any other option, but when he got here, the first thing he did was try to go put a bullet in the Winter Soldier and threatened to punch Captain America if he wouldn’t get out of his way.”

Clint laughed in surprise. “Holy shit, _Phil_ threatened Captain America?”

“Yep! For all his fanboy ways, he was pissed,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Thankfully he let us talk sense into him, cause Bucky’s not a bad guy at all.”

“Is he okay?” Clint asked softly. She looked at him and he shrugged. “He didn’t mean it. I realized as soon as he attacked me that I’d startled him. He just saw a guy creeping up on him with weapons. I fought back cause I wanted to not die, but he was scared of me.”

She nodded. “He’s doing better. He doesn’t really know who he is, but he’s identified as ‘Bucky’, and even if he doesn’t remember being Bucky Barnes, really, he knows he’s Bucky and that Steve is his friend, so he trusts Steve. It’s really terrible,” she said softly. “What they did to him. He’s so confused and lost because they spent the past seventy years taking away everything that makes him human and now he’s slowly getting things back and has no idea what to do with this information.”

Clint swallowed hard. “I have some idea what it’s like to be controlled like he was. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody and mine was just for a couple days. Not seventy years.” He closed his eyes and relaxed into the pillow, only to jump some when Skye grabbed his hand gently. He looked at her and she smiled.

“Look, Man, it’s like this,” she said gently. “My team is like the family I never got to have. I lived a lifetime of being rejected and feeling unwanted, and now I have a family, and Coulson is like the dad I never got to have.” She squeezed his hand. “You are important to Coulson so I want to be on good terms with you.” She shook her head. “I won’t tell him anything you said, you don’t tell him anything I said, all of this that goes on between us can be Fight Club, and we can just find some common ground so we get along, because no matter how mad you are, Coulson is going to be in your life because you’re one of the only friends he has from before he died. I just want to find out what’s so special about you.”

Clint couldn’t help but smile at her boldness. “Well, how about we start with you finding the remote so I don’t have to watch more bad crime dramas, we’ll find some trashy TV to watch, and you can tell me what you think about all the other Avengers and I’ll give you all the good gossip?” he offered.

Skye smirked and nodded. “I like your ideas, Barton,” she said, then hopped up to search the room for the TV remote, leaving Clint to watch her move around while he thought about all she’d said about Coulson and his new team.

~

After trying for a few days to find triggers that set Bucky off and finding none, Phil talked to Steve and together they decided to try bringing him up to the residential floors and get him out of a cell. Nobody else was around besides Skye when they brought Bucky to the main common floor. She was the only one who had got close to him so they didn’t know if the others might scare him. Phil watched carefully as Skye smiled from the couch and waved to him, tablet in her hands. “Hey Bucky,” she said, and he looked at Steve, who nodded.

“Hi,” Bucky said, sounding more confident. He stuck close to Steve and slowly they made their way over to where Skye was. He looked at her tablet. “What’re you doing?” he asked.

Skye looked at the tablet then up at Bucky. “Well, you know what a tablet is?” she asked, and he nodded.

“Yeah, I meant what are you doing with it? Reading? Working? That kinda thing,” he said, and Steve sat down so that Bucky would follow suit.

She glanced at Phil, who was standing behind the couch, then looked at Bucky. “Well… I’m actually talking to a friend.” She looked at Bucky carefully. “The man that got hurt,” she said gently.

Phil jerked some. He didn’t know Skye knew Clint. She looked at him and Phil narrowed his eyes suspiciously, earning a flippant eye roll. Bucky, however, seemed to deflate some. “Is- is he okay?” Bucky asked softly.

Skye gingerly reached out and touched Bucky’s hand. “He’s gonna be just fine. Do you want to talk to him?” she asked and Phil started to interrupt before she could trigger Bucky, but when he nodded she turned the tablet and angled herself so that the screen was facing Phil’s direction. He could see that the two of them were both in their shot, Clint’s face taking up the rest of the screen. “Clint Barton, this is Bucky,” she introduced.

Phil swallowed hard when he saw a familiar smile crossing Clint’s face. “Heya, Bucky,” he said brightly.

Bucky stared, jaw clenched. “I-“ He swallowed visibly. “Your face looks bad.”

Clint made a dramatic sound of shock. “Hey, I’ll have you know that I am the best lookin’ guy in this joint!” His smile softened some. “Hey, man, seriously though. It’s okay. I saw the minute you spotted me that you were scared as hell.” He shook his head. “I don’t blame you for defending yourself from a guy with weapons crawling in your window, okay?”

Bucky nodded. “I was afraid. And you had weapons and I knew my masters were after me because I refused to do what they wanted. I thought you were there to get me.” He blinked a few times, tilting his head in confusion. “You are very handsome, but I thought hospitals had individual rooms now, so aren’t you the only man in the room?” 

Clint grinned. “Oh wow, gotta work on catching jokes,” he said, snickering. “Yeah, I’m the only guy in here. I was just joking, you didn’t have to agree with me,” he said in a gently teasing tone.

“Well, you’re a looker, no reason to deny it,” Bucky said with a small smile of his own. “I like a guy with blue eyes,” he said in what could only be called a flirty manner. Phil raised an eyebrow at the back of Bucky’s head and he saw a proud look on Skye’s face

Clint just laughed himself into a coughing fit on the screen. “Aw, man, I like you already.” 

Bucky ducked his eyes some, then looked up again, face set in determination. “I want to say I’m sorry. For your injuries.”

“You don’t have to-“

“I want to,” he said in a stronger voice. “I-“ He looked at Skye, who nodded encouragingly. “I didn’t get to feel remorse. For a long time, I wasn’t allowed to feel anything, nonetheless tell somebody about it.” He nodded resolutely. “I feel remorse for hurting you. I’m sorry you are injured.”

Clint waited a few moments and then nodded. “Thank you, Bucky. You’re forgiven,” he said in a tone that suggested he had a good idea what Bucky was talking about. 

A nurse came into frame, trying to grab the tablet out of Clint’s hands, so Skye let him go, tossing the tablet onto the couch beside her. Bucky looked oddly relaxed and she looked at him with a warm smile. “You haven’t been allowed to apologize in a long time, have you?” she asked, and he shook his head.

“Guilt doesn’t feel nice,” Bucky said softly, looking at his knees. “It feels pretty bad. But- but I _feel_ it.” 

Phil watched as Steve blinked rapidly, clearly trying to not show his emotions too outwardly. Phil walked around and sat across from the others finally. “Bucky, would you like to go with Steve to get cleaned up? I know you’ve been in that cell for a few days. I’m sure you would feel more comfortable afterwards.”

Bucky looked at Steve almost hopefully. “Do you have a bathtub?” he asked. “I would just about give anything for a warm bath after all the time they froze me.”

Phil physically flinched at the words, and he watched as Skye put a hand over her mouth. Clearly she hadn’t expected Bucky to be so forthcoming when it came to his treatment at the hands of HYDRA. Steve looked like he was _really_ going to cry now.

“Yeah, Buck,” Steve said, voice wavering slightly. “I’ll show you where to go,” he said as he stood. Bucky followed suit, and Phil watched as Steve led Bucky down the hall, looking back at him the whole way as if he was afraid taking his eyes off of him for a minute would make Bucky disappear. 

~

When Clint was up and getting around slowly, he came back to the tower. The first thing he did was go to where Bucky was being examined by Bruce and introduce himself face to face. Skye and Steve both watched nervously as Bucky shook Clint’s hand and managed a smile as Clint started talking a mile a minute.

That night, Skye came back from helping Steve get Bucky to settle down and rest rather than try and face the whole crowded room full of super heroes and SHIELD agents eating pizza, only to find Coulson sitting hunched in on himself in a chair further away from where the rest of the team were sitting around Stark’s large coffee table eating pizza with the Avengers.

“Hey, who started the party without us?” she demanded loudly as she and Steve found empty seats. She purposefully sat on the floor beside Coulson’s chair, linking him back to the group even if he was still facing the window, not the team. She could tell from the look on May’s face that Coulson was only there under duress, and going by the way Barton was propped on the couch with pillows taking the pressure off his broken ribs and stitched together body, talking animated with everybody _but_ Coulson, she had a feeling they were doing their best to ignore each other for now. 

“So, Captain Cranky, how’s Frosty The Assassin?” Stark asked and Skye rolled her eyes at him.

Steve fixed a smile on his face. “He’s doing better, and if you keep up with the teasing nicknames, I’ll break your face with my fist,” he said pleasantly, with no change in tone all the way through.

Natasha snorted. “Steve, seriously, you would not break your friend’s face with your fist. I know you-“

“I dunno,” Wilson interrupted. “You remember this is the same dumbass that forgets parachutes are necessary sometimes, right? I’m sure he could forget Tony’s face isn’t a punching bag.”

Tony reached out and shoved at Steve playfully. “C’mon, you wouldn’t actually break my face, would you?”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t if it doesn’t come to it, he’s not around so the insults just piss me off, not upset him, but if Bucky heard you calling him that, I’d probably have to beat the shit out of you,” he said and Skye grinned.

“I’d root for him,” she offered, raising a hand. “I’d offer to help, but I’m not the best puncher. I’m much less violent really.”

Tony just rolled his eyes. “I get he’s your long-lost B-F-F, but violence seems a little excessive-“

“Put it this way,” Steve said with an amused chuckle at Tony’s face. “If you upset him, I’d break your face, if you had plans to _hurt_ him, I’d have no problem at all killing you, Stark.”

Natasha shot him a look. “Damn, Steve, that’s… very dark for you.”

Steve shrugged. “Coulson showed up ready to put a bullet in Bucky just for what he did and I was totally prepared to beat him to death with my bare hands if it came down to it.” He smirked at the startled expression Pepper gave him. “Hey, I already was willing to die rather than defend myself against him once, killing to protect him isn’t even an issue.”

“Well that’s very violent,” Pepper said, and Bruce chuckled.

“Aren’t those the exact words you told me you used after killing a man to protect Tony?” he asked and she blushed and smiled some.

“I said violent, not surprising,” she countered and Tony clutched at his chest with a dramatic flutter of his eyelashes at Pepper.

“My hero, as always,” he said, leaning over to press a kiss to the top of her head where she sat on the floor beside the couch. He sat back, smiling smugly when Pepper leaned against his knee. “I am not at all too proud to admit my girlfriend is way more badass than me. She’s great, the best at everything.”

Skye scoffed. “She’s _Pepper Potts_ , of course she’s the best at everything!” she gushed, then blushed some when Pepper looked at her curiously. “Sorry, you’re just kinda really awesome, you know, proving women can do anything men can time and time again.”

Pepper gave her a grateful smile. “Awww thanks.” She sighed. “Sadly, a lot of people don’t think I earned the right to be the CEO. They may think I’m a good CEO, but being appointed CEO after being a personal assistant and then starting to date the previous CEO doesn’t look all that great to the public.” She glanced at Tony with a huff. “Obviously they never worked for Tony Stark,” she said and he gave her an innocent smile.

“I was not a terrible boss-“

“No, no,” she held up a hand. “You were a great boss, very lenient with everything, just ridiculously helpless without me, so if I did take a day off, I came back with more work than ever before.” She patted his knee. “Not your fault you’re helpless without me.”

Skye raised an eyebrow. “Why _did_ you start dating him? I mean… no offense, Mr. Stark but-“ She made a face. “Ew. Talk about most obnoxious rich guy celebrity _ever_.”

Tony gave her a narrow eyed look and everybody else laughed. Pepper just smiled and shrugged. “Eh, you spend more than a decade of your life with only the rare holiday not spent hanging around somebody, it’s hard to not care about them. But I don’t blame you,” she said with a wink. “His brand of obnoxious is an acquired taste. If I hadn’t spent half my adult life as his best friend, I’d have never survived being his girlfriend.”

May hummed. “Nothing says love like wanting to strangle someone at least twice a week, right?” she said and Pepper laughed.

“More like twice a _day_ maybe,” she replied and Tony gave an offended huff.

Phil couldn’t help glance around the room. When his eyes landed on the way Clint was nodding absently in agreement, his insides jerked painfully, like he’d been kicked in the gut. Looking Clint over, however, he couldn’t help but silently agree with that sentiment. He couldn’t remember a day they worked together he didn’t want to wring Clint’s neck for something.

~

Leaving to go back to their everyday lives was hard for Phil now that he knew the Avengers all knew he was alive. Part of him yearned for the days when he’d been waiting for the moment to step up as the Avengers liaison. He could’ve never known he’d be the Director of SHIELD instead. 

Leaving without saying goodbye to Clint was even harder. He had so much unfinished business and no time to take care of it.

~

It was several weeks before the returned to Stark’s Superhero Funhouse (Pepper’s words, not Phil’s) and this time they brought FitzSimmons with them. Fitz was very nervous and Phil could see the shy kid he remembered from SHIELD’s science division before he and Simmons were picked for the team. Simmons seemed as bright and cheerful as always, but he could also sense a determination in her. He had promised her that Stark would let her use his equipment and resources for two weeks (whether they stayed with her or not, he was going to let her stay) and she seemed more determined than ever to try and find something to help Fitz.

When they excited the elevator, the whole building seemed to be waiting for them.

“Agent!” Tony greeted, hopping up to come greet them. He held his arms wide. “Welcome to the party! Got the whole band back together!” He gestured over his shoulder and Phil glanced, only to stiffen when he saw Thor standing by the couch. 

Phil cleared his throat. “Thor,” he said, nodding to him.

Thor walked over slowly, crossing his arms as he looked down at Phil. “Son of Coul,” he greeted, eyeing him silently, just long enough for Phil to feel guilty for letting Thor think he died, before his face split into a grin. “My friend!” Phil almost yelped when Thor swept him into a big bear hug. “I was so pleased to learn you live!” he cried, squeezing Phil until Phil could feel his feet leave the ground.

“Thor. Air,” he said, tapping his chest. 

Thor set him down quickly, smiling apologetically. “I forget you are but a mortal,” he said sheepishly. He clapped him on the shoulder instead. “I am very happy to see you, Agent Coulson.” 

Phil smiled and nodded. “Same here,” he said, then bowed his head. “I was very sorry to hear about Queen Frigga,” he said solemnly and Thor smiled sadly.

“I take it you saw Sif when she was on earth,” he said, nodding. “Asgard still mourns the passing of it’s queen, and I still mourn the loss of my mother and brother in but a matter of days.”

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Loki is dead?” he asked, and Thor nodded as he slung an arm around Phil’s shoulders and guided him (and by default, the rest of the team) towards the couches where the others gathered.

“Yes, my brother died saving my life and that of Jane Foster in a fight to try and destroy a great foe-“

“Hold up,” Skye said, ducking between Phil and Thor, glaring up at him. “You mean the guy that killed A.C. was free to go fight somebody?! What kinda bull-“

“Skye,” Phil said, putting a hand over her mouth. “Not now.”

Thor chuckled as he stepped back and allowed Skye to stand in front of him, arms crossed as she ignored Phil. “Do not fear, Loki was in the prison of Asgard, locked away deep below the earth in a dungeon.”

She nodded. “That’s where we keep our evil betrayer too,” she said approvingly.

“Until I freed him so we could find our mother’s murderer,” Thor continued and Skye rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, we’re not letting our crazy person in the basement out, even if it is to catch whoever eventually kills May,” she said, then wandered over to flop onto the couch beside Clint, who just snickered at her.

May cleared her throat. “Why am I the mother in this situation?” she asked and Skye rolled her eyes.

“You’re totally ‘Mom’. Don’t even pretend you’re not,” she said, and Simmons nodded from her spot behind May.

“Of course! Just as Coulson is definitely Dad!” she said brightly, only to hesitate when Phil raised an eyebrow at her. “Not that you look a day over forty-seven, Sir!” she said, flapping a hand with an awkward smile. Phil cleared his throat and she laughed weakly. “Forty-five I mean?”

Skye raised a hand. “Still old enough to be my dad, FYI.”

Tony grimaced, clutching at his chest. “Ouch, don’t say things like that.” He walked over and flopped dramatically across Bruce’s lap, startling him (which Phil noticed made everybody on that side of the room tense for a moment, amusingly enough). “I’m so _old_ ,” he whined dramatically.

Phil sighed. “Mr. Stark, this is Jemma Simmons,” he said, gesturing to Simmons. “And Leo Fitz,” he added, though Fitz was still skulking behind Simmons some.

Simmons grabbed him and tugged him to her side, arms linked together. “Thank you so much, Mr. Stark,” she gushed. “Using your facilities will most definitely advance my research and I cannot find the words to explain how much that will help.” She nodded to Fitz. “Fitz and I have been dying to be in a real laboratory again. Since SHIELD fell, things have been-“

“Really very awful,” Fitz muttered, looking as though he couldn’t help himself. “We don’t have have a-“ Fitz stopped and Phil’s heart sank as he watched him frown and wiggled his fingers. “A- um. A radio- radio-“

“Spectrometer?” Bruce offered softly, looking at Fitz with so much sadness in his eyes Phil instantly knew that he (and Tony, going by the looks of it) understood how badly Fitz was suffering.

Fitz looked up with such hopelessness in his eyes. “Yeah,” he all but whispered. “That.”

Simmons nodded, sliding her hand into Fitz’s. “Yeah, no spectroscopy equipment of any sort, and only very basic chromatography equipment.” She grimaced. “Identifying compounds are left to microscopes and comparative slides. And it’s not like we’ve got-“

“All the samples we used to,” Fitz finished, nodding along with what Simmons said.

“Exactly,” she finished with a warm smile at him. 

Tony jumped up again. “Well, don’t let us wait any longer then!” He grabbed Bruce by the wrist and tugged him to his feet. “Come, come mini-nerds!” he cried excitedly. “I’m about to show you things that will blow your little geeky minds! Even Bruce got so excited he had to go calm down the Hulk the first time he saw my big cyclotron,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Pepper shot him a look. “That better not be a euphemism, Tony,” she said and Bruce groaned.

“Don’t give him ideas, Pepper. I really don’t want to see him naked-“

“Oh it’s gonna happen, Brucie,” Tony called over his shoulder as he led Fitz and Simmons ahead of him. “Just when you least expect it!”

Once they were gone, Phil shook his head in amusement and went to sit near Pepper. “Hi, Pepper, I see Tony’s alive,” he greeted and she laughed.

“I’ll be sure to call you if I need you to dispose of the body for me,” she said, leaning in to hug him.

“Hey guy- oh!” Phil looked up to see Steve coming in from the hall, wearing sweatpants and a tee-shirt, looking like he’d just come in from a run.. He was surprised to see Bucky walking beside him in the same type of outfit. “Hi, guys,” Steve greeted.

Bucky spotted Skye and perked up. “Hey Skye!” he said, walking over just in time to hug Skye when she got to her feet.

Skye squeaked. “Bucky! How are you?” she asked, leaning back some. “Wow, you look good,” she said, taking in his clean shaven face and the color in his cheeks.

Bucky winked. “Glad somebody appreciates my pretty face,” he joked and Phil glanced at Steve, who gave him a happy smile and nodded. Skye laughed and swatted at Bucky, who sat down beside her, slinging an arm around her shoulders. “I’m doin’ okay,” he said more seriously.

Skye grinned. “I told them you’d be fine,” she said, and he shrugged.

“Eh, I’ve got good days and bad days, but seems like the good days are getting better and I have a couple of ‘em at a time now.” He nodded at Clint. “No more days that bad at least.”

Skye looked to her left and smiled at Clint. “Feeling better?” she asked and he nodded, waving his casted arm.

“As soon as this baby comes off, I’m good to go,” he said brightly. “Ribs are fine, no lasting damage from the brain stuff, just my busted arm taking a while to heal.”

“You’re not trying to shoot with it, are you?” Phil asked reflexively, only to freeze when he realized. Clint didn’t look his way, but Phil could see his jaw work as he stared resolutely at Skye. Phil deflated a little, ducking his head, but Natasha, who had been quiet so far, rolled her eyes and leaned over.

“I keep him out of the range,” she said softly, giving him a sympathetic smile. “It’s harder than it was with you, though. You could just give him that Coulson Smile and he’d do whatever you said. I have to resort to threats of violence.”

Phil smiled weakly. “Somehow I doubt that’ll work like it used to anymore.”

~

Clint was sitting with his cast on Skye’s lap, letting her draw on it, when Bucky came in and walked over to sit across from Skye. “So Skye, what’ve you been up to? Steve told me you and your people are like real spies, all secret and stuff.”

Skye nodded. “Yeah, pretty much. Definitely no more flashy SHIELD gear. We keep running into trouble with the government, too. It’s different, but I never really worked for actual SHIELD anyways, so it’s just less restricted, really.” 

Clint chuckled. “Yeah, Phil got away with a lot of stuff but even he had to answer to the higher ups.”

Skye nodded. “Yeah, now he’s Director and we’re a really small organization.” She looked at Clint. “Thought about joining us?” she tried and he smiled tightly.

“Hard to trust a liar,” he said and Skye rolled her eyes.

“SHIELD lies-“

“No,” Clint said sadly. “Phil didn’t lie to me before all this. He was always honest. I thought-“ He hesitated, thinking about all he thought he knew about Phil. Thought he was a good man, a good friend, the one person he could trust. “Well, doesn’t matter what I thought. Phil just- he’s not the man I knew.” 

Skye rolled her eyes. “Boys are so stupid,” she grumbled as she drew another heart on his cast, making Clint snort.

“Wow, very mature there, Skye,” he teased.

She shrugged. “Not wrong, though.” She sighed and looked up at him. “You get he’s like, totally in love with you, right?” she asked, waving her marker. “Like, wanted to murder Bucky for hurting you intense,” she said, and Bucky nodded with a smirk.

“Guy was super pissed, Pal,” Bucky agreed.

Clint glared. “You barely know your own name some days, stay out of my business,” he grumbled and Skye gasped, slugging him in the shoulder, making him whine.

“Clint! That’s so mean!” she said, and Bucky just laughed, shaking his head.

“Nah, Skye, it’s okay. He’s not _wrong_ ,” he said with a shrug. “I have good days and bad days.”

Clint groaned then pouted. “Nooooo don’t do that! It makes me feel shitty when you agree with me,” he complained and Bucky snickered.

“Hey, it doesn’t bother me, just don’t say shit like that in front of Stevie. He’d probably sock you in the mouth for it,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. “Stevie does _not_ like people makin’ cracks about my brain being all fried.”

Skye huffed. “I don’t blame him. It’s mean,” she said to Clint, who held up a hand and ducked some.

“Okay, okay, I get it. You and Steve are just as bad as each other-“

“Who and Steve are just as bad about what?” They all looked up as Steve came in, carrying a box of Cheerios. He tossed a handful into his mouth and hopped over the back of the couch. “What’m I bad about?” he asked, crunching cereal happily.

Clint gave Skye a warning look and she rolled her eyes. “Nothing,” she said, going back to draw another flower on Clint’s cast. “So Cap, wanna help me convince Barton to talk to Director Coulson?”

Steve frowned. “They’ve been here three days. You can’t still be mad all these weeks later,” he said incredulous and Clint huffed dramatically.

“Why is this so complicated to you? That asshole was the only family I knew and he was alive for two fuckin’ years and never even thought about telling me he was alive!” He shrugged. “I trusted him and clearly I shouldn’t have. Only reason he came back is cause he thought I was dying and the guilt got too bad. It’s that simple.”

Steve frowned. “But… he’s alive and well. Sure, I get being angry at first, but… it’s been almost a month. Why not at least talk to him and find out why so you can forgive him?” he asked with a confused look on his face.

Clint looked at both Steve and Skye with frustration in his eyes. “What don’t you people get about me not wanting anything to do with Phil Coulson anymore?” The blood drained from Skye’s face as she looked over his shoulder but he ignored it. “Whatever we were in the past, that’s all gone and done. No amount of explaining or apologizing is gonna make me forget that he didn’t care that I thought he was dead. It’s almost a shame he came back at all and ruined the memory I had of him,” he finished coldly.

When Skye didn’t say anything, he looked at Steve and Bucky. Steve was looking past Clint with an expression like someone had kicked a puppy in front of him, and Bucky hand put a hand over his eyes, shaking his head solemnly. He opened his mouth to ask ‘what?’, but before he could, a throat was cleared behind him. “Well, I guess that answers that question,” a familiar voice said softly. 

Clint turned quickly, only to pale when he was Phil had already turned and disappeared around the corner with only one glance back to show Clint the pained expression on his face before he disappeared from view. Clint felt his throat tightening but he refused to feel bad for the hurt he saw in Phil’s eyes. He turned back and looked straight ahead, swallowing hard. 

Skye gave him a disgusted look and threw his marker at him, so that it bounced off his temple. “Nice job, asshole,” she growled before jumping up and rushing after Phil.

Clint turned a sheepish look at Steve and Bucky, but Steve just looked at him like he couldn’t figure Clint out. “You know you don’t mean it,” Steve said evenly. He stood up, shaking his head. “Say what you want, but when you woke up and saw him sitting there, you know good and damn well that seeing him sitting there was probably the best thing you’d felt in a long time, Barton. I may not know him, but I know you,” he said solemnly before walking back to the kitchen to put away his Cheerios.

Clint looked at Bucky expectantly. “You next?” he asked, and Bucky shrugged as he stood.

“Nah, Pal. Your life, your choices,” he said simply. “I just know if I was you, I’d take what I got back and learn to forgive and move on.” He met Clint’s eyes and tilted his head. “But you ain’t me, so it ain’t my place.” He nodded politely before following Steve out. “Stevie! Make me a sandwich!” he called as he headed to the kitchen.

Clint sat listening to Steve and Bucky bicker in the kitchen and sighed, looking down at the hearts and flowers on his cast for far too long as he thought about everything they said.

~

The day before Phil and his team were meant to leave, he came up to try and find Skye. Instead he found Bucky on the floor in the living room, just staring out the window at the skyline in the distance when Coulson came in. He looked around and saw only Clint lying on the couch, doing something on a tablet. “Um… is he okay?” he asked, uncomfortable to be speaking with Clint, but worried enough about Bucky to go for it.

Clint looked up at Bucky, then nodded to Phil, jaw tight. “It’s… it’s not a good day,” he said in a low voice. “Steve just went-“

“Alright, here we are Buck,” Steve said, interrupting Clint’s explanation as he came back into the room. Phil watched curiously as he walked over to Bucky with a bowl in his hands. He sat down beside Bucky, who was still looking out the window without acknowledging him. Phil felt a gnawing in his belly when he saw how Steve was smiling even though the creases in his forehead made it look like he was in pain. Steve sat the bowl in his lap and gently reached over to put a hand on Bucky’s wrist. “Bucky?” Bucky seemed to finally notice him and he turned to meet his eyes, only to turn and look back out the window. Steve let out a soft sigh. “Bucky, you’ve got to eat,” he said in an almost pleading tone. He looked at him for a while longer before he seemed to square his shoulders and steel himself for something. 

Phil was only helpless to watch as Steve slid around so he was close as he could get to Bucky. He grabbed the spoon from the bowl and scooped up a spoon full of what appeared to be potato soup and held it up. “Hey Buck? I’ve got potato soup with cheese. It’s your favorite,” he said softly, holding the spoonful in front of Bucky. Bucky seemed to notice and he looked at the spoon then at Steve. Steve forced a smile. “C’mon, you know you want some. It’s really good,” he urged. Bucky seemed to lose interest as he looked back out at the skyline, but he opened his mouth when Steve brought the spoon up to his lips and let Steve feed him.

Phil hadn’t felt such a tightness in his chest since his scar healed as he did watching Steve hand feed Bucky soup. He couldn’t be bothered with caring that Clint was sitting on the couch already when he suddenly felt so weak and shaky he had to sit down with a heavy ‘huff’, too overcome by the heartbreaking scene in front of him as he watched Steve smiling at every bite he got Bucky to take.

“It’s good, right?” Steve said in a hoarse tone and Phil could see tears gathering in his eyes. “You always loved potato soup, which was good, since all we could afford was potatoes.” He sniffled, eyes on Bucky the whole time he spoon-fed him soup. “You told me it was unnatural for an Irish kid like me to get sick of potatoes that easy.” After about half the bowl, Bucky simply stopped opening his mouth, eyes never leaving the window. Steve sighed, letting the spoon fall back to the bowl. After a moment of closing his eyes and his lips moving silently for a moment, he lifted his head, that painful looking smile back on his face as he moved the bowl aside. “You did so good, Bucky,” he murmured, reaching out to curl his fingers around Bucky’s lax hand. 

Phil startled some when Clint spoke, breaking Phil out of his rapt attention on Steve and Bucky. “I’m so sorry this happened, Steve,” Clint said, looking like he didn’t want to say it but wasn’t able to stop. He shook his head, swallowing hard. “I know you don’t like sympathy, but I just- I’m so sorry.”

Steve sighed but turned and looked across the room with an absolutely broken smile. “Hey, it’s no big deal.” He reached out with his free hand and stroked a hand down the back of Bucky’s hair. “Bucky had to feed me soup plenty of times when I was too sick to even lifted a spoon, didn’t you, Buck?” he said, pushing Bucky’s hair back behind his ear. Phil could see tears streaking Steve’s face, but he was clearly fighting harder to smile than what the tears could push away, because his smile never slipped. “You always took care of me.” He shook his head. “I’ll be damned if I won’t do anything I have to to take care of you,” he finished hoarsely. “End of the line, right? I’ll _always_ take care of you, Buck,” he whispered wetly.

Bucky seemed to have a small, slightly lucid moment as he turned towards the hand stroking his hair and looked at Steve’s face. His eyes scrunched just a tiny bit and he opened his mouth. “Steve? Why’re you crying?” he asked in a voice rough from disuse.

Steve let out the most heartbreaking laugh and just smiled, shaking his head some. “I’m just so happy you’re here with me, Bucky. That’s all it is.”

Bucky seemed confused, but nodded anyways. He turned back to the window, but his hand tightened around Steve’s rather than laying loose in his hold. Steve squeezed back and leaned in, pressing his lips to Bucky’s hair before letting his forehead fall to Bucky’s shoulder as he shoulders started shaking when he gave up fighting it and truly began to cry. Bucky’s words were barely audible, but Phil didn’t miss them, and he knew by the sharp intake of breath that Clint didn’t either. 

“Everything’s okay if you’re with me, Stevie.”

Phil couldn’t take it. He stood up quickly and turned to head to the elevator. When he got inside he went to the back and leaned back against the wall, hanging on to the bar to keep his knees from giving out. When he looked up, however, the doors stayed open long enough for him to look out and see Clint staring after him with a pensive look on his face. 

Their eyes met and neither looked away until the elevator doors slid shut, forcing them to.

~

The next morning, Phil’s team was gearing to leave around noon, so the others all got together to have breakfast with them. FitzSimmons were going to stay behind and keep working, but the rest of them had to get back to work. Phil was talking to May while Skye and Triplett laughed with Tony about something, all of them waiting on Pepper, Tony, and Bruce to finish cooking. It was a nice morning, Phil thought, even if Clint, sitting at the other end of the table with Natasha, wouldn’t even look at him.

He knew why though. If Clint really did wash his hands of him, it was over. It hurt, but Phil knew asking Clint to forgive him was too much. That was one of the main reasons he only came back because Clint was dying and he couldn’t bear the guilt of not being there when Clint needed him. It was time to accept that Clint was never going to be the friend he once as. He suspected that one day Clint might forgive him, with time, but no matter what, his transgressions were too much for Clint to get over and go back to being the friend he once was.

When everybody fell quiet, Phil looked up and glanced around, only to see that Bucky had walked in. His hair was in a ponytail and he was wearing a baggy long sleeve shirt to cover his metal arm (something he hadn’t been doing, from what Phil had seen), but his eyes looked alert, unlike yesterday’s heartbreaking display. Phil wasn’t the only one to watch as Bucky shuffled over to Steve. Steve put down the spatula he was holding and turned around to look at Bucky, giving him a brave smile. “Morning, Buck. How do you feel?” he asked gently.

Bucky just gave Steve a sad smile and shook his head as he stepped closer and slid his arms around Steve’s shoulders. “Thank you, Steve,” he said softly. Steve’s breath whooshed out as he dropped his head to Bucky’s neck, arms going around his waist tightly as he hugged him close.

“I told you about sayin’ sorry for a bad day,” Steve said, voice muffled some by Bucky’s shirt. 

Bucky shook his head. “M’not sayin’ sorry. I’m saying thanks,” he argued with a small smile. He rubbed a hand over Steve’s hair, ruffling it. “You always did make me better, Stevie.”

Steve laughed wetly, pulling back to look at Bucky. “You’re such a liar, Jerk.”

Bucky gave him a warm smile and pushed Steve’s bangs back off his forehead. “Punk,” he replied and Steve’s smile was almost _blinding_ when he jerked Bucky back into a hug, burying his face in Bucky’s neck.

“We’ll be okay, Buck. One day at a time, right?” he said, and Bucky nodded, rubbing a soothing hand over Steve’s back. 

“Same as always, huh, Stevie?” Bucky said, eyes falling shut as he pressed his lips against the side of Steve’s head and just held on, letting Steve hang onto him.

Once again, Phil felt that overwhelming sense of intruding on a private moment, but he could tell most everybody else felt the same going by the way conversation picked up suddenly and a bit more loudly than before. Pepper casually slipped between them and the stove to finish off what Steve was cooking, leaving them to stand there in their own little bubble without any interruption. 

When breakfast was cooked and Steve and Bucky rejoined them all, sitting side by side at the end of the table, Phil couldn’t help but notice the way, no matter what all had happened, no matter how much struggle they were facing, Steve looked at Bucky with the simplest emotion in his eyes as if none of that mattered.

He looked happy. He looked like Bucky sitting next to him was all he wanted in the world. Bad days, good days, none of it seemed too bad for the simple truth that, to Steve, all he wanted was Bucky. However he came, sick or well, good days or bad, it was all okay because he was there.

Phil saw the same thing reflected in Bucky’s eyes when he looked up and smiled back at Steve, and suddenly, it was just overwhelming. The way those two had overcome so much and found happiness again, it was too much for Phil to take, because right beyond Bucky, Clint was sitting and staring down at his plate, looking older, more closed off, and colder than Phil could ever remember him being.

And he knew that it was his fault. He had a feeling that years ago, if he had been brave enough to look at Clint the way Steve looked at Bucky, Clint might’ve looked right back just the same. But he hadn’t. And now Clint wouldn’t even talk to him. Nearly twenty years of friendship, twenty years of trust, twenty years of Clint and his own lies had destroyed any hope of Clint ever looking at him the way Bucky looked at Steve.

Phil couldn’t take it any longer. He looked down at his barely eaten food and couldn’t stomach another bite. He stood up silently, thanking Pepper and Bruce as unobtrusively as possible, and then silently slipped out of the kitchen. 

He could wait with his bags for the others. He couldn’t bear another minute of being in the same room as the man he loved more than anything and the man whose trust he had singlehandedly destroyed and lost forever.

~

Clint watched Phil leave and his chest ached with the desire to follow him. He watched the doorway long after he left, twisting his fingers around his fork to curb the need to get up and go after him.

Natasha sighed and poked him with her fork, making him jump. “Clint, if you let him leave after what I hear you said to him the other day, he’ll compartmentalize and you’ll lose any chance you ever had to forgive him and save the most important relationship you ever had with anybody, friend or family, in your entire adult life.” She gave him a nudge. “Don’t give up so easily, Clint.”

Clint looked at her, then at the door. “But he- he lied-“

“And he knows he messed up,” she said softly. “Clint, he knows, okay? He knows he hurt you, he knows he was wrong, and he knows that it was a mistake. But still… he risked the _safety of SHIELD’s secrecy_ , the thing he devoted his life to, because he thought you might die. Clint, if that doesn’t tell you all you need to know, what will?”

Clint swallowed hard, looking at the challenge in her green eyes. “Nat,” he said softly, smiling warmly. “You know you’re the best friend ever, right?” he asked, and she smiled smugly. He leaned in and kissed her cheek with a smack as he scrambled to stand. “I gotta go.”

“Freaking _finally_!” he heard Skye groan as he ran out the door, unable to hold in an amused laugh at her dramatics.

He had to find Phil, and he had to find him before it was too late.

~

Phil was just checking his watch to see how close to time to go it was when there was a knock at his door. “Finally,” he mumbled as he walked to the door. He opened it, only to fall silent before he even got Skye’s full name out, because the person on the other side wasn’t Skye. “Barton?” he asked softly, head tilted in confusion. “What’re you-“

Clint cut him off. “Can I come in?” he asked in a rush, looking hopeful.

Phil hesitated, but nodded slowly, stepping aside. He let Clint come in and he shut the door behind him. He gestured to the sitting area and Clint walked over to the couch, waiting for Phil to sit before sitting on the opposite end. “I thought you didn’t want to speak to me anymore?” Phil asked emotionlessly, only to be surprised when Clint flinched, almost as if he’d been struck by a blow.

“Phil…” He sighed, running a hand over his hair. “I didn’t mean it,” he said softly, looking down at his hands. “I was just… hurt. And upset.” He colored slightly. “And a little humiliated by how I reacted when I woke up and you were sitting there.”

Phil smiled sadly. “You never did react well to pain medication, Clint. You’ve embarrassed yourself way worse in the past-“

“It wasn’t the drugs,” Clint whispered. “Phil, I-“ He swallowed and closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I really did think I was dead, and- and I was happy,” he admitted with a sad smile. He looked up with shiny eyes and Phil’s heart clenched painfully. He had known then that it wasn’t the pain meds, but he had tried to fool himself since then. “You have no idea how much I- I missed you,” he said softly. He laughed faintly. “I didn’t even know how I was gonna breathe the first few days. I got over it, I mean… I was okay,” he said with a shrug. “But waking up and seeing you after two years without you?” He smiled. “Phil, I wasn’t lying. If I had been dead, that was okay. I mean, you can’t live my life without knowing you’re gonna die some day and it will probably be soon. But if I died and found you, then that was perfect. I hadn’t seen you in so long. I hadn’t heard your voice, or watched you smile… it was the best feeling ever, because nothing hurt and you were smiling down at me, Phil.” He waved a hand. “Obviously when I realized you were alive and had been all this time, I got pissed-“

“For good reason,” Phil acknowledged. “I know, Clint. I knew all along it wasn’t fair. I just- I did what SHIELD wanted me to. I didn’t know how badly it hurt you when I died. I didn’t think you and Natasha would need me so I thought you both would mourn and move on. You had her and you had another team. Obviously, Nick misjudged how much you would all resist working together for so long, but I had a whole new life starting up. I thought it was best to stay out of it, and that meant leaving you and Nat in the dark still.” He sighed. “I know now that that was the wrong choice. I did miss you both. I just… I put SHIELD first. And I didn’t realize how big of a mistake that was until I got the news that you were- well, pretty much were very likely to die.”

Clint nodded. “For how good I came out of it all, they tell me I really did almost die.”

Phil grimaced. “Brain death was a serious likelihood. It’s only luck that the swelling on your brain went down and you started to recover. Apart from that, if Barnes hadn’t alerted through your comm device that you needed help, the internal bleeding would’ve killed you first.”

Clint smiled sadly. “And the first thing you did was come to me, in spite of everybody thinking you’re dead.”

“Yeah,” Phil said softly. “Skye kept asking why, and I didn’t know how to explain what you were to me. She didn’t know that me. She only knows the me I’ve been since resurrection.” 

“I’m sorry,” Clint said firmly. “I’m sorry for staying angry for so long. I know what happened to you. And I know how much that had to suck for you. Me blaming you for leaving me isn’t fair.”

Phil shrugged. “Neither was me staying gone. You were my family just as much as I was yours, Clint. Leaving you alone after I recovered was so wrong and I can never make up for that.” He smiled sadly. “I did what I promised to never do, and that’s abandon you-“

“You didn’t,” Clint said softly. “You died. That’s not your choice. And coming back, I can understand that you really did think you would do more harm coming back. I just… I hate this happened. I hate that everything we had- _twenty years_ of building trust… all of it screwed up,” he said, clearly frustrated.

Phil licked his lips before speaking, looking at Clint. “I don’t want this to erase everything we had. When you said you wanted nothing to do with me anymore-“

“I lied,” Clint said abruptly. He shook his head. “Phil, you know I lied. I-“

Phil nodded. “Good.” He stood up and rebuttoned his suit. “My team has to leave soon, but I’m glad we talked.” He turned to go to the door, but Clint stood up and grabbed his wrist, stopping him. He turned back, and Clint swallowed thickly. Phil hesitated. “Clint?”

“I’m not finished,” Clint said, stepping closer. He slid his hand from Phil’s wrist into his hand, smiling nervously “Phil Coulson, I lost you once and then I almost died before getting a second chance with you.”

“And you won’t lose me again. We can rebuild our friendship from here, I promise,” Phil said, but Clint shook his head.

“I don’t mean that, Phil. I mean I’m not wasting another chance to do this.” Clint closed the gap between them and gently pressed his lips to Phil’s. It was far from the world’s best kiss, but Phil still felt like he’d been hit over the head when Clint’s warm, soft lips pressed against his. Clint pulled away after the most gentle, tender kiss Phil had ever had in his life, and Phil watched as Clint opened his eyes and let out a weak breath. He looked at Phil with so much hope in his eyes that Phil finally realized what he had missed.

“Oh.” Phil blinked, and Clint bit his lip, looking nervous. “I didn’t know-“

Clint rolled his eyes. “Phil, everybody knew.” He rocked on his heels some. “Sooo uh, if everybody that’s told me you felt the same is wrong, I’m gonna feel like a real asshole in a minute,” he said, rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly.

Phil’s lips twisted in an amused smile, eyes softening. “Well, it’s not like everybody else didn’t know already,” he said warmly and Clint looked up, a small smile on his lips.

“Oh?” His smile grew. “Oh.”

Phil rolled his eyes and reached out to curl his hand around Clint’s jaw, leaning in to kiss him rather than respond verbally. This time, Clint slid his arms around Phil’s shoulders, pulling him close as he kissed back. Phil placed his hands on Clint’s hips, moaning softly as Clint nipped at his top lip before breaking the kiss. “Phil, just to be sure, you do mean-“

Phil laughed, cutting him off. “Clint, I’ve been in love with you pretty much since you were that smart-mouthed teenager that Fury left in my office,” he said, and Clint’s smile brightened.

“Really?” he asked and Phil nodded. Clint smirked, sliding his hands to rest on Phil’s chest. “Wow, you really suck at this ‘sharing your feelings’ thing, Phil-“ Phil shut him up with a kiss, hooking his fingers through Clint’s belt loops to keep him from pulling away again. 

If the way Clint gripped his lapels was anything to go by, Clint had no thoughts of pulling away again anyways.

~

When Phil _finally_ showed up, all the others having been waiting by the elevator with their bags for half an hour longer than Phil had said to be ready to leave, nobody missed the fact that he wasn’t wearing a tie.

They also didn’t miss the fact that Clint’s hair was standing on end as he walked beside Phil, hands in his pockets as they walked close together, shoulders bumping and small smiles being shared the whole way down the corridor. “Finally, Coulson, I was getting ready to send a search party!” Stark said, only to stop and tilt his head when he looked at Clint and Phil. He pointed between them. “I thought you guys hated each other now?” he asked in confusion.

May just smirked. “About damn time, Phil. Almost thought I was gonna have to smack some sense into you.”

Skye wiggled her eyebrows. “Damn, guys, I didn’t think you two would ever work it out.” 

Clint winked. “You get points for trying to help me get my head out of my ass. Just took a few of you to smack some sense into me before I got it together.”

Tony looked between Clint and Skye. “I’m confused.”

Phil gave Tony a polite smile. “Clint and I had sex, Stark, that’s what they mean,” he said matter-of-factly.

Tony’s jaw dropped and Clint gave him his most smug smirk. “But- you- Agent-“ He shook his head. “I’m so confused.”

Clint winked lecherously. “The word you’re looking for is jealous, Tony,” he said, then turned to Phil. “You better go before Tony calls a meeting over us screwing,” he said and Phil chuckled, looking amused. “Call me when you land, okay?” he asked, and Phil leaned in to kiss him, squeezing his hand warmly before they parted.

“Sure thing.”

Clint hugged him quickly, pecking his lips when he pulled away. “Go be a badass, Honey,” he said as he let Phil walk away.

Phil glanced back and glared as he picked up his bag. “We’re going to talk about the ‘honey’ thing,” he said and Clint beamed, shaking his head.

“Mmm nope, I don’t think we are. Honey,” he added with a smirk.

An hour later, once they were in the air and Phil was already working on some paperwork for the upcoming few weeks, Phil’s phone dinged with a few messages in quick succession. When he opened it, he couldn’t help but laugh affectionately at the words on his screen.

_**From Clint:** Forgot to say it earlier cause of the sex high, but I love you too._  


_**From Clint:** Also, that sex thing, hope you realize I’m never sharing you with anybody else. Seriously. Best sex ever, 5 stars- absolutely DO NOT recommend to anybody else ever again._  


_**From Clint:** Honey =)_


End file.
